Thursday, December 08, 2005

another holiday missing baelin

this is my 2nd xmas after losing baelin. first xmas with new baby tyren.
on the one hand it is something i joyfully look forward to with our new
baby...he's 5mos now and just a joy. at the same time...there is some
(expected) bittersweetness.

right after having tyren i was so happy and caught up in the joy of his
existance that i was so amazed and relieved that my sorrow over baelin
was felt like the "cure" that i had hoped it would be...but
at the same time made me feel guilty to be happy again. i didn't want
baelin to be forgotten. and he wasn't...and never will be.

lately i find myself looking at baelin's pics and just feeling so sad.
nothing overwhelming just this quiet sadness that feels as though it
will always be there...probably will. really puts a damper on any joy,
ya know? but i expected this...and honestly i think it makes me feel a
little better to be sad again...because i am not forgetting him. i can't.

watching tyren really does bring back baelin and that i can't
be watching him grow. i have to keep reminding myself that if it weren't
for baelin dying that tyren wouldn't exist. we would never have
attempted to have another baby again so soon after baelin, had he lived.
they would have only be a little over a year apart in age and i would
never intentionally space my children that close...and i would have been
fulltime nursing baelin still so chances are i wouldn't have been
fertile anyway. weird to hypothetically talk about nursing baelin. *sigh*

but i do have tyren and maeven and life does go come the
holidays again and they won't be so heart wrenching this year as last.

last year i was about out of my mind with grief, facing the
holidays...pregnant and grieving deeply. i couldn't even think of
spending time with set me into a panic to have to go to
other's know that they wouldn't talk at all about baelin.
they still don't. no one on my husband's side talks openly about that
precious baby boy. its like he didn't exist. i'm sure its because they
don't want to make us sad...and i know they grieve too. but it sometimes makes me angry that they don't talk about him. and in turn, i find myself not talking about him around them. i do talk about baelin all the time with my family and its a real noticeable thing with the inlaws that they don't
talk about him.

i think i'm going to try to figure out a way to work baelin into the
conversations this xmas. last year i helped everyone to remember baelin by
having the xmas here, where we had a shrine to him and a stocking and
lots of ornaments with his name on them. still no one said anything. but i know they remembered. that was the important thing to me. well this year i'll be at someone else's house and i feel like i really want to do something to bring baelin into the celebration...

i may put his name on the gifts..."from the smiths--adam, tina, maeven, baelin and tyren" order of birth. that may work. i just want to honor him and help others remember.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

my funny little girl

i just had to share...cuz i know you mamas would appreciate it...

maeven was playing with foam shapes, you know the flat kind you glue projects with...and she was stacking them by shape, biggest to smallest and she said "look mom! i made a pyramid, and a triangle-mid and a heart-a-mid!"

i totally lost it! tooooooo cute and funny!! of course i had to write that in my journal...she even brought it to me with one of her felt pens to write in, lol!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

i should be in bed

i just got finished reading tiffiny and beckie's blogs....oh i have to ask beckie how to post the links to them in my blog...i really want to be cool like them. :)

i'm a webmama and i don't know how to post things on the side section of my crazy is that?

today's holiday hoopla live radio broadcast went GREAT again! sooooo fun! not as many people in the chat as i had hoped...considering i posted all over the net to drum up more business. oh well. the treasure hunt submissions are still piling in at least.

overall i'd say our holiday hoopla is a resounding success. hope tomorrow's chats get more traffic.

oh, i guess i never posted about my hoopla, did i? i'm rambling in no particular order...forgive IS nearly 2am afterall!

the holiday hoopla for my site mommy chats was a last minute idea i had just before we left for a family vacation to disneyland. yes disneyland! my parents paid for the whole thing or we wouldn't've been able to afford any of it...anyway its like a day or so before my trip and i'm IMing beckie and we are discussing oh heck i don't remember but somehow i got the idea...probably cuz beckie is involved in all sorts of online activities all the this idea to do a holiday event for mommy chats. i love doing events, so we brainstormed names...using (god i love that site...i use it to help me word things all the time! and every time i say the word thesaurus i crack up cuz it makes me think of my dh saying "theAsaurus", like it was some sort of dinosaur. you have to understand my dh is like this super smart guy and we have standing jokes about his not-so-bright ex-girlfriend who used to pronounce things wrong, and he seriously pronounced that one that way and didn't realize it til i pointed it out and it was truly hillarious and to this day is a standing joke, LOL!!! see there i go again!) anyway, didn't want to call it an expo cuz that's a boring name and also because it was going to be so much more than just shopping chats...we have a treasure hunt, trivia game, and more...

so anyway, like the day before i'm supposed to be getting ready for our trip i realize i totally need to get it all ready for the event cuz i need to be collecting vendors while i'm gone so that we can start when i get back! ugh...nothing like planning ahead! yikes! i scrambled and threw together some pages and darned if i didn't get vendors while i was gone! only cuz i did have internet access on vacation though...but still! pretty crazy cuz i threw that thing together fast! with beckie's help...she's my right hand mama, you know. ;)

do i sound like its 2am...i do don't i? why the hell am i not going to bed...hmmm, and its giving dh ideas....*sigh* why are our libidos always on opposite schedules???? why oh why??? *sigh*

and this baby is going to be up in the middle of the nite again i betcha. he has done so well but the last couple nites its like 3am and he's like, "mom i'm awake! lets party!" last nite i was up with him for an hour and a half!! then he finally falls asleep around 4:30am and i stagger back to bed and he's TOTALLY AWAKE at like 6:30am! what the hell?

and he's doing that thrashing thing again...i really wish i could figure out what it it his diaper? gas? yucky tummy? its not that he wants to nurse cuz he won't let me put the boob in his mouth usually when he's all arms and legs thrashing...doesn't open his eyes either. he did that around a month for at 4months he's at it again. *sigh*

you wanna know the really weird part? i'm not tired. not getting much sleep lately but not really tired either. i think it may be because tyren has been insisting on nursing to sleep only in teh rocking chair i crash out with him during his naps during the day often. during the week maeven usually ends up waking me up "mom!! wake up!! don't sleep!" but sometimes she's engrossed in a tv show and i get a nice little adam was entertaining her so that helped.

anyway, i'm totally rambling and i don't know why...i guess i just don't want to go to bed...nuts, i am.

well i guess i should go do something this rate i'm going to ramble all nite and no one is going to be able to make sense of this post! yikes!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

kindergarten here we come!

so yesterday maeven and i were talking...and she expresses her disappointment at my version of kindergarten so far. well i really haven't done much with her besides the reading lessons...wanted to keep it low-key. and frankly, with this little baby, its hard for me to be consistant at anything.

well, apparently she really wants MORE. she mentioned art projects, which she actually does every day on her own but i'm getting from her that she wants me to plan things for her, probably to do with her. no problem, i can do this. my problem is consistancy. ay yi yi. i have great intentions but i just can't seem to keep going with any sort of routine. what the heck is wrong with me? i am afraid i'm teaching my child that mommy just doesn't follow through with things...but darned if i can figure out how to change that. i really do try to put some routine into her life, have been since she was born...but every time i start like gangbusters and fizzle out and then nothing. argh.

well i have some ideas of things to try with her. i've been told about file folder games and i'm on a lot of homeschool egroups that throw out all sorts of ideas all the time. first things first though. gotta get that "big room" straightened out so we have a place to work! i told her that yesterday...we need to get the space ready and then we can get to work on more kindergarten stuff. apparently learning to read isn't enough for her. :)

by the way, she IS learning to read! we have a very long list of words she can now read and she is sounding out new words every day! she is really progressing! so i'm doing something right!! :)

Friday, October 07, 2005

i need to finish something

i'm just sitting here thinking of all the unending things i have to do, day after day, and thinking i need to lighten my load by finding something that i can complete. the only thing right now that i can think of will actually have an end is this book i'm writing about how to start your own mommy & me program. this past week or 2 i've had about 3 people email me about this and i'm thinking i REALLY need to finish that puppy! hopefully it will help bring in some much-needed cashola once its done!

then i can see if i can find some other projects to complete...there are things like my websites and the babyfest that are unending...although there are little projects within the big projects that i can the completion of the revamp on both fresnofamily and mommychats. and the moving over of all my clients from the old advertisement manager program to the new one. i'm well into all of this, so i am not just spinning my wheels, thankfully. i actually am making headway, particularly satisfying has been the upload of the newly revamped fresnofamily! i do still need to go through each page carefully and check links and such and fix the darn linkbar issues i have in some of the sections...but the biggest part is over...that's a relief. then i need to get working on creating the fresno family mall like i've been planning for years now...complete with online coupons. hoping that will be another thing to draw people into the site and bring in more money to our family.

right now there are so many things going on that if i keep thinking about them all it really overwhelms me. even after taking a bunch off my plate, like the homeschool co-op isn't happening right now and weekly field trips are now going to be monthly or still leaves a LOT that i'm doing...and the house is always a wreck no matter what i try to do. well, its not as bad as it used to be, really...i'm putting out little fires here and there and it is coming along. i will get there. but for right now i need to look at all the things i have to do and try to find some things to finish so i can breathe a little better.

first things first...i am GOING to get that book completed!! i already know where to take it for publishing...i just need to find the time to actually work on it again. i have a lot done, just need to finish it!

Monday, October 03, 2005

so proud of myself!

i busted my ass this last weekend and got fresnofamily revamped! this was a huge project! there's over 150 pages! i didn't change the overall look of the still has the same graphics and colors...but i did take out the right side navigation so the pages are wider now and put in a top and bottom navigation for each section to make navigation easier...and put all the main navigation on the left instead of putting the "places to go, people to see, blah blah" part there...took that out cuz i realized it wasn't necessary and just added another step to be able to get to the content of the site. i'm learning. :)

i'm just very pleased with the outcome! it all started because i am sick to death of using dreamweaver because it just has too many things go wrong for me regularly...the biggest of which is that when i use templates (which with that many pages, are absolutely necessary) it doesn't allow me to edit code! keeps saying that i'm trying to edit noneditable code, which i'm not. its just screwy. there's other things too and i fully realize it might be my version that i may have screwed up but i just couldn't figure out how to fix it and had gotten comfortable with frontpage for my other sites so i wanted them all on frontpage. so now they are. :)

still have more tweaking to do...there's some loose ends that need tying up here and there...gonna go work on some of that right now while i can.

baby squirming happily on my lap right now, so i'll see how far i get before he gets grouchy. :)

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

look at me! i'm blogging!

ok so i'm determined to make this a regular thing...even if its just weekly...i really like to journal and haven't done it in quite awhile so this might just be the next best thing. :)

i'm sitting here at the computer with my little guy sleeping in a pouch sling on my lap...thank god! he's been SOOOOOO fussy lately! i'm wracking my brain trying to figure out why! soy milk? cow milk? chocolate? early teething? i don't know yet but i'm hating this! used to be i could easily figure out why he was fussing and fix it...not so anymore. not for the past couple days at least.

and here i am trying like the dickens to get these tester packages out for my new business, and i can't get ANYTHING done these days! just in tiny bits and pieces. i have been working on these first kits...i'm selling kids art kits with my new business...for weeks now and keep telling the mamas that i will be mailing them soon...but then things just keep happening and i can't get them done! i swear i've been working on them every single day but this little guy makes it darn near impossible when he's awake. and he's been taking shorter naps lately...he's only 2.5months old! he can't be shortening naps already! he gets super cranky when he's sleepy i have to do all kinds of jumping through hoops to get him to sleep...cuz nursing doesn't often work. strange but i have a baby that just is not a huge nurser. maeven was like every 30min and not happy unless the boob was in her mouth...this guy, more often then not he's like "get that thing away from me!" lol. strange how different they can be.

so i'm trying and trying to finish these kits...still finishing putting them together so i can mail them out...(first it took me awhile to figure out exactly what to put in them and how much)...and every time i try to work on them tyren gets cranky and i have to stop...or maeven needs something and i have to stop...or something else happens and i need to stop. argh. i am worried the testers are going to think i'm flakey but hoping they will understand because they are all mamas too. anyway i'm determined to get them all shipped today. i said that on monday but today i think is more realistic.

yesterday i had to call adam at work and just vent to him about how i don't know what to do with this baby, he's just so cranky and nothing i am doing is working and i was just so pissed that i'm the one having to always deal with this. you know how when you have a baby crying and you can't comfort him that you just go nuts? i was on the edge yesterday and stressed because i was trying to work on those kits. called adam and poor guy, just unloaded on him. told him up front though that i didn't expect him to fix it nor was i attacking him i just needed to vent. i needed him to know all i do and go through when he's not here. i know he feels bad not being able to be here but he has to work and i know that...i just need him to share in my pain when its happening. :) misery loves company.

anyway, i better get back to work now that little stinker here is sleeping soundly...don't want to miss my window of opportunity to get some more work done on my website. i'm working on today...the revamping is coming along very nicely! should be able to upload all the changes soon, i hope!

stay tuned!

Sunday, September 25, 2005

I am a mommy again

so much has happened since i blogged i thought i should post that i have a new baby boy. his name is tyren (pronounced TEAR-en, NOT TIE-ren...everyone, i mean EVERYONE gets it wrong and i seriously started to rethink our spelling but we really liked "tyr" , so *shrug* oh well) ...born july 8, 2005, 8lbs 8 oz and 22in long! big boy!

he's now 2.5months old, sleeping in my arms and we just LOVE this baby!

i'm not going to post a lot right now because i have computer work i need to get done...i am revamping all my sites, but today i'm working on and i really want to get more work done while tyren sleeps and maeven is out with daddy for daddy/daughter day.

i'm going to ask beckie to help me remember to blog...she's good at reminding me of things, hehe.

Let's try this again

so i'm talking to my friend beckie on IM and i'm talking about how i really want to blog, that i know i'd enjoy it...i just can't seem to find the time...but i think alot of it has to do with i didn't like my template. LOL. so silly but i want my blog to be pleasing to the eye, ya know? so she gave me a link to some templates and i found this purple one that will do for now...there's something soothing about it. and i can add graphics later...right now i just want to get up and running with blogging! i never have been good at doing it regular and i think i can really get into it if i just DO it! LOL. ok so here i am blogging...woohoo!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Today is Baelin's Birthday

Sunday, 4/17/05--Baelin's Birthday
I woke up this morning thinking about Baelin. My sweet precious angel baby. And I immediately was reminded of my current precious little boy as well and had to lay in bed on my back to get him to kick me (he's just like his brother...he hates me being on my back, lol) so I could feel him and know he was alive and kicking. Just a silly little thing, but it was really comforting to feel his little kick.

Its interesting that Baelin's birthday should come at a time when I personally am feeling very at peace about losing him. Not that I don't miss him and not that I don't still grieve him...I will always miss him and grieve for him. But being pregnant again has finally helped me move on in my grief and not stay stuck in a cycle of sadness that is so hard to get out of. I have other children to think of...they need me to be their mommy too.

This morning and a few days leading up to today has been the first time in awhile that I've felt really sad about Baelin. I've been super busy planning the BabyFest, so that is definitely part of it...but I think it has more to do with allowing myself to rejoice, finally, in the life of this little one inside me now. I spent the entire first trimester absolutely terrified that I would miscarry. Having miscarried before, it was a very real reality to me. Particularly after having only lost Baelin 6months before getting pregnant again...the combination of having suffered both an early miscarriage (this was before Maeven) and a recent stillbirth just was beyond terrifying in the beginning of this pregnancy. But we made it through it and this little guy hung in there. Then most of the 2nd trimester was filled with so many emotions over being pregnant again and being scared to reach the 3rd trimester and the pending birth, where I really felt I would, understandably, just freak over all the fear and overwhelming emotions that would evoke. I was an emotional wreck for quite awhile. Stressed about everything...I felt like i was on edge constantly...constantly emotional...everything set me off, everything added to my stress, everything was beyond overwhelming and I was exhausted.

Then something happened...and I really don't know that it was one was kind of gradual and yet not...strange to explain. I don't know exactly what caused my feelings to change...I had heard repeatedly from people around what I "needed" to I needed to slow down, how I needed to enjoy this baby and let him feel my love for him, and how I just needed to let things go...but hearing it and internalizing it are 2 entirely different things. And it only started to get on my nerves to repeatedly have people telling me what I NEEDED to do. Its easier said than done. And until I come to that point on my own, no one can talk me into doing or feeling what I NEED to do and feel. Like I said, I don't know that it was any one thing that made the change...but I know one thing that definitely helped. It was listening to a labor/delivery nurse that came to talk to our Angel Babies group. I go to a monthly group for women pregnant after the loss of a baby and about 2 months ago they had a really fantastic nurse come and talk to us about how to handle birth after a loss. She's a very special lady. One thing she said that really struck me...even though I already knew it, but it just really hit me and sunk in this time...was that my fears and emotions could actually hinder and even stop my labor. Of course my first thinking is "How in the HELL can I NOT be scared shitless at this next birth, considering that the last time my baby was born dead?" But then I remembered that I do have some say in how I act and feel...its not entirely out of my control...I can control my thoughts and my feelings go along with my thoughts. As my dad has always told me..."If you think the worst, the worst will happen." Really hit me hard all of a sudden. Its basically what everyone had been telling me but I wasn't ready yet to grasp it until this wonderful woman was talking to us about relaxation techniques and ways to calm our fears during labor so as to let go and just let the birth happen as it will happen.

At that point I came to a realization...I have been anticipating this baby to die as well, because I tend to try to prepare myself for the worst, just in case. For some reason I have this notion in my head that if the worst does actually happen, that it will be easier if I had been anticipating it all along. WRONG. I already know what it feels like to lose a child, and even though I never anticipated it with Baelin, I know in my heart that anticipating it to happen again actually WON'T make it any easier if it did happen. On the other hand...Expecting him to live and anticipating a happy ending has so many positive ramifications. I can send positive energy to my child now, and let him feel the love I feel for him and in so doing lift the constant stress I feel over waiting for the next shoe to drop. And most importantly, I can envision the positive birth that I want for this baby and possibly even affect the outcome in a positive way by enabling myself to relax and let it happen.

Once this realization flowed through me, (coupled with dropping one of my many things that I had on my plate), I was able to finally feel a lifting of the heavy stress and fear that I had been under. And I've been actually anticipating this baby with joy and excitement rather than fear. I have been able to rub my belly again and talk to him and tell him that I love him and that I can't wait to meet him and that when he comes out he has to BREATHE. I tell him this all the time. And its as if a fog has lifted. I feel almost normal again.

There will always be a residual sadness and pain over losing our precious Baelin. He will never be forgotten. And today we will remember him and talk about him and plant more flowers for him and work on his garden and enjoy remembering the special little being that he was...and cry about him as well...But his death has also given me the strength to truly appreciate the life within me now and I will never forget that again.

Happy Birthday Baelin...We love you SOOOOOO much!!

Sunday, February 06, 2005

emotional wreck

i don't know if its the migraines or the hormones or what...but it seems like lately i'm just an emotional wreck. everything stresses me out...i had a breakdown yesterday...i am not a cryer...not even a whole lot when my son died...although it was a lot for me, but you'd have thought i would have cried for days on end, i certainly deserved to....i just am not real good at crying...its just not something that i do very often. but yesterday i broke down and got some of the stress out...just it all piles up on me sometimes and i feel so overwhelmed by life...i don't think a day goes by that i'm not second guessing everything i do and feeling like i'm just doing a crappy job and most everything...especially being a mom and wife.

i think, i hope, this is hormone related and grief related...and probably quite normal...i don't think i'm spiralling out of control nor do i need professional help. all i need is time. things just get overwhelming when you're pregnant...compound that with the fact that i was pregnant less than a year ago and my baby died when he was being born...well, who wouldn't be stressed out? i'm sure its just creeping into all aspects of my life right now...that's probably why i just feel like everything stresses me out and i'm just not capable of doing well at has to be baelin related....i would think.

i talk about it alot, so it's not like i keep it all in. i write and talk and talk and write. so i'm probably going to be ok...just need to get through this.

lordy i wish i could fast forward to july and be holding my precious LIVING child in my arms and finally find peace.

OW my aching HEAD!

2 migraines yesterday...not one, TWO!! then i'm pretty sure i got another while i slept last nite. knocked me on my ass all yesterday...most of the migraines i get these days are usually quite mild...not yesterday. my head STILL hurts this morning!

oh man, all i keep thinking is that after all this, this baby better survive. well of course on so many other levels i want him to survive, but wow, hurting like this....i did with baelin too...and then losing another, that would be even more devastating.

every day i tell this baby to hang in there, be healthy, be ALIVE...and most of all, when he comes out that he MUST BREATHE. *sigh*

Thursday, January 27, 2005

OK so i suck, LOL

i'm not so good at this blog stuff...i am real good at writing to my egroups and my own personal journal, but can't seem to find the time for this darn thing. lol. well i'm going to start trying again...let's see...

i'm pregnant again. after losing baelin last april, this pregnancy happening again so soon after losing my son at birth has been a bit rough emotionally...but we've had 2 ultrasounds that tell us that he's fine, and that he's a boy!

so now that i'm 18wks, past that first trimester miscarriage scare and starting to feel minor movements here and there, i'm starting to feel better about the whole thing. i'm sure all hell will break lose when the birth becomes imminent, since that's when we lost baelin, but for now, i'm really starting to enjoy this pregnancy. its been so uneventful except for lots of migraines.

finally dragged out my maternity clothes...this one being my third i thought i'd be in them real early...but i guess this one's going to be a little guy. at least for now he is. :) and i only just recently was able to warrant putting on maternity clothes. kinda fun. i do wish we could fast forward though...i really want to meet this little one and know he's going to be alright.

well i better go for brother's coming over and i have to get dressed. i'll try to start doing this more often, we'll see if i succeed. :)