Monday, July 31, 2006

i'm so friggin TIRED of this!

my son is going to drive me to the insane asylum, i swear! its now 5:30am and i've been awake for over an hour because he won't sleep! he won't let me sleep!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

my independent maeven

getting closer to 6 and she's really changing...

she will spend literally hours by herself working on projects, telling me she wants to be alone. fine by me but i am afraid of taking advantage of the situation and neglecting her. i feel like i really need to find time to be just her and me...daddy can take the baby...or while he sleeps (which isn't much during the day)...

i end up feeling guilty over the amount of time she's spending alone...although she initiates it herself. does make life a little easier though, i must say...and she's not been quite so mouthy lately...so maybe it's helping.

i'm MELTIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG

blech. over 2weeks now in the triple digits and i'm hatin' life. we're stuck in the house and climbing the walls...i'm still hacking away at this hell-hole of a house and feel like every day its 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. baby is cranky as all hell these days because he hates being stuck at home all day every day. so i try to break up the week when i can with trips to someplace air conditioned...like target....but its hell just getting all of us in and out of the car each time we stop. so friggin hot!

i HATE fresno in the summer!!!!!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

2 weeks no church

ok so i've temporarily given up on the UU church. after having some correspondence with my friend who was also going there...and hearing that last week we missed out on smoothies and gack (NO idea how that is supposed to be tied in to anything religious, but i do hear the smoothies were supposed to be "healing potions"...uh, ok.) so i'm guessing we didn't really miss much. maeven hasn't mentioned wanting to go back...we were busy last sunday, can't remember with what but i know we were gearing up for nana and bompa's return from russia...

anyway, i posted on my mommy group looking for some church recommendation and received only one. i may check that church out but not sure yet. it is right around the corner from me though, so that's good. i feel like i might do best just going back to a methodist church even though i am no longer christian. i have never had christianity shoved down my throat at a methodist church. but then again, i was christian when i was attending in the past, LOL...so that could account for that, hehe. no really, i know that methodists, at least united methodists...dunno if there are different kinds...but they tend to be very liberal so it might work out for us to go there.

what is it exactly that i'm looking for? well, someplace that i feel comfortable taking my children is top priority. at this point i'm not even looking for anything for myself. i want a place to take maeven where she can learn about god. the problem there is who's interpretation of god? i may even check out the local quaker church...i've heard good things about that. our pediatrician attends there and its not very far from us.

i will also give the UU church another try again in the fall when they start their regular program. i'm just so completely unimpressed right now with what i've seen this summer. apparently i'm not the only one, from what my friend is telling me of her feelings on the subject as well. i had such high hopes for that church! i hope that its just a crappy summer program. maybe the regular program will be better.

so at this point its looking like i'm going to need to find several churches to be able to balance out the beliefs of one. to give a rounded view. i thought i'd be getting that at the UU church but apparently they've left god completely out of the equation. at least so far it appears that way.

i just really want a church that will be about god and not christ. i'm not a christian and i feel like a hypocrite taking my child to a church that holds beliefs that i don't...but i suppose that would put me at a jewish synogague...which would be neat but also that feels like a more cultural thing than just religious. i do have a friend that's jewish and i hear a lot of nonjews take their kids to the jewish day school locally...

but the thing with judaism would be that they follow the bible (well, a version of the bible) and i do not believe in the bible. i believe its a very interesting book, but not the end all and be all. not something to be followed to the T.

so perhaps there just isn't a place for me. i thought the UU church was it but since they don't seem to put any importance on god or teaching about god...perhaps i'm wrong...

i will keep looking for something for me and my children (adam doesn't want anything to do with church at this point...its a personal issue that i don't feel would be right for me to share publicly)...we'll see what happens. maeven wants something. so i will keep looking.

Flies, Flies EVERYWHERE

can you say infestation? oh man! we are just overcome with flies in our house! apparently they were hatching in and around the trash pile that my husband hasn't taken out for days! ARGH. i came into the big room yesterday for something and was shocked by all the flies hanging out on the carpet. i'm not exaggerating, there were HUNDREDS!! it was beyond ridiculous! i spent the rest of the day trying to kill and vacuum as many as i could...but it seemed a losing battle.

adam came home today, after being gone all weekend and killed and cleaned up a bunch more and found hatching larvae. oh joy. cleaned those up. man oh man. this is beyond disgusting! they are still all over but at least its not seeming like such a swarm. i mean, how frigging disgusting is that to have more flies inside your house than outside.

oh i just thought of something...maybe we should have tried to open the windows and let them OUT? LOL!!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

UU church update

still not very impressed with the UU church. (read my first post about it here.) i was so excited about this church and finding a church that seemed to follow my beliefs! this has been a huge letdown. i'm not giving up though...it still might prove to be better than i'm currently experiencing.

last week i took maeve again to sunday school ("hogwuurts") and they had all the kids together again, doing a teamwork game...they had laid out on the grass a ring with all these ropes attached to it and they had everyone take a rope and put a rock on the ring and the whole group was to work together to move the rock to a frisbee and set the rock down on the frisbee...it was a good game. but there was not explanation of what this had to do with anything. not sure how this ties in with hogwuurts or god or whatever. i'm still going on the assumption that church is to learn about god...i think its a mistaken assumption in regards to the UU church.

oh after that game the kids went inside and made bookmarks. they were given a hogwarts sticker to put on it and i didn't hear any instructions as to why they were making a bookmark. but ok. again, not sure what this had to do with anything, but ok.

that was it for last week. afterwards i talked to the director of the children's program, who is very nice...and me and another mom who has the same questions were asking why there doesn't seem to be any discussion of god. basically the answer was that there are so many interpretations of god and they don't want to presume how anyone believes so they don't usually initiate a discussion of god...its too personal. they don't, however, discourage the children's discussing god. if the topic comes up they encourage them to discuss their beliefs. well that's good, but my whole point of taking maeven to a church sunday school is because i WANT her to learn about god...and i don't want to take her to a christian sunday school because i don't want her to get the one-sided beliefs that that usually entails...especially don't want her introduced to the dogma. but this lack of discussion of god is really bugging me.

and i don't see how any of these sunday school activities are having anything to do with anything. there doesn't seem to be anything tying it all together. maybe i'm just missing something.

so this week was the week they brought a horse in. this was the "care and feeding of magical animals" week. they had a horse outside and a snake inside. the kids got to learn all about caring for the horse, and maeven fed her a carrot...pretty cool...and she wasn't interested in learning about the snake but that was available inside and there were a lot of kids experiencing that...maeven chose to work on her spellbook. colored on the cover some more and glued the horse handouts inside. the spellbooks apparently are sort of a journal and the kids can write about what they are learning in it. i still don't see that they are really learning much of anything and they don't seem to really make it clear to the kids what they are doing with the spellbooks, so they just keep decorating them.

oh and the houses that they chose on the first week...they have wall charts for each house and they mark the members' attendance and get a percentage of who is attending and that's their cumulative points. i really thought they were going to be doing something with those houses...like dividing them up and doing something based on their theme of their group or something, i don't know...what was the point of going to the trouble of creating a theme to the group if you don't then use it? maybe another week.

i don't know...i don't want to tear up the place with my comments here...i am trying to be open minded...but the whole experience has just been so discouraging and i'm seriously thinking of seeking out a united methodist church to take my children to, just so that they can get some learning about god! i would prefer a non-christian church, but i do know that UM churches are pretty liberal, so maybe that would work. it would be nice to go to church with my parents again. my dad's retired now so they will be seeking a new church to attend.

another thing...things are so casual at this church...maybe its just because its summer, but everyone seems to wear shorts/tshirts/sandals to church...maeven and i have been pretty overdressed with typical church attire most weeks, so this week i encouraged her to not wear a dress. don't know why that bugs me...but for me church was always a day to dress up a little...not super fancy, but a chance to wear something nice for a change...disappointing to see that that is not the case at this church. maybe in the fall things start to get more churchy...the pastor is on vacation all summer and the church is run by the members all summer, so maybe things will change in the fall.

after saying all that and discussing with maeven how disappointed i've been...she still says she likes it and wants to continue to attend. *sigh* ok so i don't want to take it away from her and i do want to continue to give it a chance. maybe the more i go the more i'll learn about it and finally see stuff i like. i had such high hopes for this place! i've just been so disappointed! :( i hope things get better...more later!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

tyren's 1 year old today!!!

oh man he is just the cutest! the birthday fairy came and decorated the doorway to the family bedroom as usual, and all the way down the hallway and into the kitchen and his high chair. brought him a "1" baseball cap. guess she realized he doesn't do dressup yet so he would actually get more use out of a cap then a crown, like maeven usually gets. :)

from his mommy, daddy and maeven he got a boynton board book and a baby einstein dvd. (mommy was doing last minute shopping at the end of a long day and baby was getting tired and cranky so that's all she could come up with from target.)

later we're going to go get him a clown cone from baskin robbins.

the party isn't for a few weeks...i had it planned for the 22nd, the sat after my parents and bro got back from russia...but then i found out adam has an out of town shoot that weekend...argh! so it may be the 29th if i can ever get ahold of his dad to make sure there's nothing scheduled for that weekend already. argh argh argh!!

i'll post some pics of tyren later...right now he's nursing and sleeping in my arms and adam hasn't uploaded the pics from the camera yet.

very very weird

so since i had that dream last nite, i'm doing these internet searches...and since i was looking up mike and didn't find anything, i thought of looking up an old boyfriend again too...just curious to see if there's anything new on the net about him, he was from the same gang of friends mike was a part of...and i found some online pics of him. i know he married the chick he met when he was still dating me (or maybe they met right after...not sure) and i got in touch with him a few years back via email just to see what he was up to (adam was fully aware and ok with this, i just like to look up old friends and boyfriends every few years or so for some reason...just a quirk of mine, lol!) so i know that he married her and he told me they were polyamorous so i guess he got into a very different lifestyle than me, lol! anyway i found pics. it's definitely him, same smile and everything...so weird to see how people end up so different sometimes.

i knew him when he was fresh out of high school, he was just 18, and we had a very deep and wild relationship for 2 years or so (i'm 2 years older than him)...and he was very important in my life, so that's not the sort of person that you just forget. he was a significant person in my life...i don't know how significant i was in his, i think i was, at least at the time. i don't think of him all the time, just every once in awhile when things like this happen (like dreaming of mike, which got me thinking about those years with that gang of friends in the dorms at sac state)...then i just wonder what he's up to. gotta love the internet! LOL! i can email him but it just feels weird sometimes...i don't know him anymore and we live very different lives. but i do think fondly of him despite all the turmoil of our relationship...we did have some good times. it was a very fun time in my life. bigtime party, lol! i was young and wild and free and enjoying the life of a college kid. :)

i adore my husband, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that i did love someone else before him and that person was significant in my life as well. i know he loved someone else before me as well, and i wouldn't be bothered if he looked her up from time to time...i feel very strong in my relationship with adam and so the thoughts of past loves doesn't bother me like it would have in my other relationships which i was insecure in. it really feels good to be with someone that i am so completely secure and confident in. :) anyway, i really wouldn't mind if he looked up his past relationships occasionally...he's just not like that. he's not interested in learning about them, lol. although...they do live in the same town as us still so he does run into them every decade or so or hears of someone else that ran into them. funny.

anyway...i don't know, just crazy i guess...it was weird seeing what todd looks like now, and what he seems to be up to, from the pics of him and his world...but despite all the stress i've been enduring lately i wouldn't change my life for anything in the world. this is absolutely the path that i wanted and i'm very happy to be on it. i LOVE being a mommy and that's what i always wanted more than anything in the world. and i really am proud of all that i've done and am doing. i'm not just saying that, i really do feel it. i'm doing just what i was meant to do. and i'm making a difference in people's lives, which is really important to me. i'm so much like my dad, lol. but that's a topic for another entry, lol.

i'm very happy to have outgrown the party life. i can honestly say that. every once in awhile i think about the wild life of my youth (i was a bigtime drinker in college/dorm life) and i remember it fondly and don't regret any of it, but i also am not in the slightest bit interested in rehashing any of it. i don't like to drink now, simply because i am caring for children and i feel its irresponsible to drink when you have children...drink to the point of drunk, i mean, not casual social drinks that don't go to your head. but i'm nursing still and i don't like to drink these days because of that, even though technically i could have one glass of wine every now and then...i just don't want to while i'm nursing. feels weird to me.

woops, baby's calling me, gotta go...more thoughts later if i can find the time.

waking from my past

very weird. i just woke up from a very long and detailed dream about a guy from my past. he was a very dear friend during college and i've had periods of time in my life where i was obsessed with him before...when i met adam i was really dealing with some deep hurt feelings over him and finally called him to talk about it and even took adam to sacramento with me and visited him. so i've talked to him and seen him since i moved to fresno. nine or so years ago. alot has happened since then...i can't imagine he's still in that same house from college, but he was then, and it was 8 or 9 years that he'd been there at that point, so who knows? i'm going to maybe try calling that number that i've had memorized all these year. (long history at that house...after college a bunch of my dorm friends moved in there and i had a boyfriend that lived there for awhile, so i spent a lot of time in that house.)

anyway, it just is so weird, what the heck made me dream about michael martin? very strange. i haven't thought of him for years. he's not even an old boyfriend, although he sorta nearly was...he used to like me a lot but i just was too close to him to go that route...we sorta dated briefly but it was way too weird cuz we had been like best friends for so long and i was dating one of his friends at the time. long story.

well, so now i'm doing internet searches looking to see if he's out there on the net somewhere...always interesting when i do that, lol!! you know how many friggin "mike martin"s there are? a LOT!

Friday, July 07, 2006

dreaming of idyllwild

one of my closest friends moved to idyllwild (i think its like 6 hours south of here?) a couple years ago and it broke my heart. it seriously did! i cried! i was so happy to finally have a dear friend that i could spend hours on the phone with and spend hours in real life with and our kids got along great...and then she moved....

i talked to her recently on the phone (she's so cool its like no time passes! and when we do get together the kids have a blast...her son is only 6months younger than maeven and her daughter is only 3 weeks older than tyren!) and the weather up there is just gorgeous...only like 80 degrees when we are topping the hundreds! they get snow and she is in the woods and i just want to live there! i want to be near her and i want to have the beauty she has!

i seriously dream of moving my whole family out there. i want to go visit her this summer and see what its like first-hand and get away from this heat...and then once i fall in love with the place i will have to start working on my husband and family to move there.

argh, its a dream that will probably never come true. but i SOOOO wish i could make it happen! i'll keep dreaming!

waiting for the return from russia

i seriously do not know how people parent their children without the grandparents. i am dealing with 3 weeks of no help from my parents while they and my brother are in russia on a charity trip. (they went with my dad's church to work on some russia resort that is all old and in dire need of fixing up and the church bought it and is turning it into a retreat center)...i knew that i really appreciated their help before...but now i REALLY appreciate it. and it does make me feel all the more reason to never move away from them.

which is a real tricky thing too for me because i really don't like fresno. i would love to move away from here in a second! i really want my kids to grow up in a picturesque town away from this god-awful heat and hideous air and lack of beauty. there's just not any beauty here. i want to live somewhere with nature all around and a sense of community. fresno just doesn't have it. there are some way cool people here, though, at least! i would miss them. but i would make new friends.

*sigh* dreaming of a better place to live...if i could just get my family to move with us...

mommy's life of stress

i guess this is just mommyhood...at least it seems to be with multiple children. lately i'm just so exhausted from being stressed out all the time. and i'm not even doing all the millions of extra things i normally do. i'm not doing babyfest right now, i'm not really doing much, if anything, for my websites/businesses (just tiny bits here and there but i normally devote much more time to it and i've decided to push that to the back burner while i deal with just being a mommy for now)...i'm not doing mommy and me classes, i'm not doing a lot of extra things...the stress is coming from my children, my house and my finances. our family life, basically...and most of it focuses around the fact that this little darling baby boy of mine just won't let me get much of anything done!

i know maeven was the same way...but the difference is that when i was pregnant with maeven we moved into this house...and so i had all my nesting time to prepare the house for a new baby. so it was babyproofed as i unpacked and was ready for her before she was even born. now tyren comes along and the house has been trashed for years and hasn't been babyproofed for the past 3 years or so...and darned if i can get it back in order with a baby underfoot!

maeven hasn't really been the issue...she's so much more self reliant lately. i'm amazed at how well she does on her own these days...playing by herself or otherwise occupying herself. in fact i feel really guilty because i know i need to do more with her but when the baby sleeps i'm rushing around to get something done! or i'm crashed out with him or checking email or whatever. yesterday she made it a point that she wanted to play with me...the baby was awake at the time but i just felt so bad for not playing with her lately that i made it a point to go into the big room and we were attempting to play...but you know what happened? she wanted to play trains and we started setting them up and mr man proceeded to try to tear it all apart, despite me doing everything in my power to distract him with a multitude of other things. i was so friggin stressed from just trying to keep him away from what she was doing! so much for playing with her! i need to do it when he's sleeping...that's what i need to make a mental note to do...time for maeven when tyren sleeps. i know this, but then as soon as he's sleeping i start thinking "phew! now i can get this this and this done!" especially since she tends to already be preoccupied with something.

and lately i have been distracted because i have my dad's retirement party i'm working on. i had wanted these invites out 2 weeks ago but one thing after another keeps happening to delay it...mainly because communication about the party with my parents and brother is greatly delayed because they are currently in RUSSIA!

well but that's the topic of another post....this one's gotten long.