Wednesday, February 21, 2007

you know what drives me nuts?

ME getting criticized for my very well-informed, well-researched people that have done little or no research on these same issues. people who tend to just believe their doctors or the general "known" info that the general populace blindly believe. not researched. just accepted blindly. that drives me nuts! i've been spending hours and days and weeks and months since before i was pregnant with my first child reading and listening and researching and reading more and researching more...on all kinds of topics (not just vaccinations) and I'M thought to be "stupid" for questioning things?


oh my!!!

this is the same info i've heard in many different places...i saw a presentation locally about this that talked about most of this info...i have also help many many chats on my site with the same info presented by experts.

this is a very well put together, very well represented presentation. i recommend taking the time to watch the entire video. its long, but very eye opening and well worth it.

*sigh* just makes things much more complicated, doesn't it?

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

in a good place for a change

ok nothing really major has happened...i just feel like i'm in a good place right now so i thought i should write during this feeling because it seems like all i ever find time to write about is the bad times.

just got back from grocery shopping with the kiddlets...lemme tell ya, that is no fun thing, but we was running on about a 30min nap so he didn't last the whole time but i managed to do some silly things with him to keep him going and we managed. man am i glad we're back now, though, and i just finally got all the groceries put away and the kids are watching the muppet show (we found the old show on netflix! woohoo!!) so i have a moment to relax and enjoy this feeling of things going good.

i think its the weather. every year when the weather warms up i get this feeling i think. its like a thawing out of my life or something, lol. the air is warmish but not hot yet (thank god!), the sky is sunny, there's just a different feel to everything. makes me feel happy in my bones. weather has a really strong impact on me.

i remember when we lived in new jersey that i loved to drive around in the spring or summer rain because of the feeling it gave me. i can still remember one evening in particular...funny that to this day it still stands out in mind...particularly since it was far from the only incident of this happening...but i can remember that joyous feeling in the pit of my stomach...of the warm jersey rain (it rains all summer there), driving around lakewood, nj, near my home in jackson...driving in my 64 vw beetle, with my windows rolled all the way down... just revelling in the smell...wet pavement and fresh rain and earthy goodness...everything is so green there year round because of all that rain...and i remember in particular that i was at a big intersection with gas stations on about every corner and i just felt this excitement from all my senses and i remember the electric lights reflecting off the wet pavement. and all the cars around me...some stopped, some going...just the electricity of the air right there at that intersection with all the sights, sounds and was just delicious and i knew how i would always remember that moment and i always have!

that has stuck in my memory all these years...that was, oh gosh, 1989? 18 years ago or so? wow. i have really vivid memories of moments like that. i used to have them alot.

i also remember that same sort of feeling in the spring in sacramento when i lived by myself in a 1 bedroom apt. on a warm spring many of them...i would open all my windows and let sunshine and fresh air in (much fresher air there in sac with the river...although i know the air is still not great there, its better than fresno i'm sure)....and i would crank up some cds...most often it would be "kenny loggins live from the redwoods" god i love that cd to this day!! and i would crank it up loud and clean my apt top to bottom. not a hard thing to do. i didn't own much back then. i was good at keeping it all clean. i even did deep cleaning regularly. not hard with just one person.

i lived on the 2nd floor so when i was done cleaning i would bring an ice tea and my journal out to the balcony... it was a great balcony...not a wall where you can't see anything, it was metal bars, so i could sit on the balcony, if i chose (and i often did) and put my legs over the side and swing them in the air and watch people go by...most people said hi when they saw me. it was a very nice apt. lincoln place apts in sacramento...very nice place to live. just a block behind where i worked. very cool.

anyway i'd sit there on the floor of the balcony and watch people and traffic and write in my journal and listen to my tunes and revel in teh beauty of the moment and just feel this tickly butterfly joy in my belly. i really had those moments a lot back then. it wasn't hard. i thought my life was overwhelming back then but it really wasn't. i could detach myself from the stress and still experience the joy, back then. nowadays i seem to have lost that ability.

i can't remember the last time i really felt those butterfly tickle moments...i know they still happen, but just not as intense as back then. but i will get them back again...i WILL! i am halfway there today. i was very close to that feeling when i started writing this...and i'm glad that i took the moment to think about this and reminisce. it makes me realize what i want for my life. and it makes me realize what i especially want for my children. those wonderful, magnificent moments of joy.

you know what just occurred to me? i bet the reason i was so much better at finding those moments of joy back then was because i was essentially still a child back then...i wasn't out of touch with that awe and wonder of the world. i bet that was it. i was an adult, but still very much more a child, having only very recently left that world. it was a good place to be. not that now is a bad place to be. its not, by any means. i have been wanting with all my heart and soul to be where i'm at now since long before i lived away from my parents.

its weird...i guess we're just never truly happy with what we have. at least not me. i need to work on that. because back then during those wonderfully simple joyful moments....i was so gut-wrenchingly lonely. not during those moments of course. but i just so wanted a partner for my life. i hated not having one. and now i have one and i'm remembering those other times in my life when i didn't have him and how much simpler it was. but yet...i still do NOT wish to go way. because i also remember how sad it feels to not have that special someone. i am definitely with the person i want to be with. he's truly a wonderful guy...great daddy too! so please don't anyone reading this get me wrong...i'm just thinking out loud about oh so many things and sorting through emotions that i've been out of touch with for awhile because i'm so completely absorbed with stress and not having enough time to do anything properly.

so where do i go from here? hm. well here's a thought...find ways to bring back those exquisitely joyful moments...bring them into my current life and share them with my children and my husband. there's the ticket! gonna make a mental note of that and see what i can do to make that happen.

its a good day. *big, genuine smile*

Sunday, February 18, 2007

seriously nauseous

ok this is really weird but really bugging me. adam is digitizing our old movies (from video to dvd) and we were just watching pre-maeven footage...34 wks pg with maeven, at my baby shower. i am having a really hard time with watching this. i wasn't interested at all in watching, and after watching a little...its hard to put into words how it's making me feel.

its almost nauseating.

god i can't believe i've come to this...but after all 3 of my pregnancy birthing experiences...none of which were 100% wonderful...i seriously have a really REALLY hard time even thinking about pregnancy and birth and especially looking at images of me while i was in the middle of it.

its this all powerful sick feeling...i guess it could be fear? not sure why it would be...maybe because i'm scared i will have to go through it again? i'm so dead set against getting pg again because i just don't want to have to deal with any of that again. it would mean having to decide where to have the baby, how, and having to deal with all the complications again of all that...not something i ever want to rehash. then there's going through infancy again. no thankyou. i've done my time with my 2.

don't get me wrong...i love my babies! but i'm ready to have older kids only now. looking forward to tyren not being SO much work...i'm just tired. so very tired. and how pathetic is that when i only have 2? well i choose to only have 2. no more. but of course if it accidentally happened, i wouldn't hate the baby! i would make the best of the situation and grow to love the idea as much as i did with the others. but i seriously hope i don't ever have to deal with that. hopefully we can get adam snipped pretty quick here and hopefully it will work for us and not be one of those that get pg after vasectomy, yikes!

ugh, i just seriously feel ill right now after watching that video. i wish i could understand it more fully. i can't stand to think about pregnancy or birth anymore. i don't even care to talk to friends about it. reminiscing (i'll do it when everyone else is but i'd rather change the subject) and reliving the thank you.

and when friends get pg...hard for me to deal with because it seems that that's all that is ever talked about around pregnant women...pregnancy, birth and babies. this is really so foreign to me feeling this way! i don't think anyone was surprised about me feeling this way after losing baelin...but after gaining tyren...i'm not exactly sure why its such an overpowering feeling now, when that story ended happily. there is perhaps some more digging to do to get to the root of this. hm.

i don't like reliving any of my births. i really don't. i just was thinking yesterday about how i have never watched baelin's birth/death tape. wondered to myself if i would ever be able to watch it. part of me wants to. but part of me is scared shitless of the emotions it will bring up. i've been thinking more of baelin lately. looking at how sad i've let his garden grow and wondering how i'm going to get out there and work on it without tyren running into the street. wondering what to do in his memory this year. this year he would have been 3! oh man that hurts my heart.

i suppose all this is tied irrevocably to baelin. my birth with tyren turned out the way it did...another c-section...because of our experience with baelin. it was truly a happy c-section...i was just glad to get my baby into my arms as fast as they were able to with that glad to finally have what i hadn't had from the previous 2 births. and yet there was still this cloud of sadness over not being able to bring him into the world naturally. not having one single, living birth that was natural. the only natural birth i had was to a baby that died as he was born. how sad is that? its very sad. it really is. i don't think i'll ever get over it.

and i just don't want to ever go through any of that ever again. if i got pg again i would have to make decisions on a new birth...after 2 c-sections...i would seriously consider another odd as that sounds...because that to me, at this point in my emotions, sounds less scary to me than a THIRD c-section...something which is considerably more risky. so i prefer to just not go there. just not have to deal with the issue at all. i know that decision would be something that would freak everyone out...but i feel like if i had to make it i would not really want anyone involved in it...perhaps not even my husband...not that i would be able to do that...but just saying how i feel right now...just me and jacque probably. with the phone right there by us to call 9-1-1 should it be needed. i know that wouldn't sit well with anyone. part of me wants to have that one last chance to do it "right". but not a big enough part of me. a bigger part of me just wants to never EVER have to deal with pregnancy and birth and all the insane complicatedness of it (for me) EVER again!

ugh, what a sickening feeling to think that i could be stuck in that situation again if adam and i aren't careful. bleh.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

please tell me i'll get better at this with age

it just occurred to me that i simply canNOT do all that i need to do. i mean, i guess i sorta knew that before, but it just really sunk in...there's far too many things that i need to do and there's simply not enough me to go around nor enough time in the day. i'm not even talking about extra things like...taking a shower...getting my hair cut...buying new clothes...washing/cleaning out the car...enjoying a good book....

no, i mean the dire necessities like laundry, dishes, feeding my children (feeding myself is an extra), nursing the baby (separate from feeding, since he likes solid food too) dressing the children, homeschooling, changing diapers, picking up around the house so we can actually walk without tripping on something, cooking, buying groceries, going to the bathroom....the things that we simply cannot NOT do. if i wrote all those things down on a master list and had some way to calculate accurately how much time each takes and total that up with how much time in a day/week/month...there wouldn't be enough time to do it all. there simply isn't. then of course, the non-necessities tend to screw things watching tv, working on the computer, socializing with friends....and throw the whole thing off by taking up more time even though i don't have it. but those things are things that keep us all sane, so i simply won't not do them.

that's a choice, i know.

i could choose to only do the bare necessities and actually finally stay on top of things and have some harmony to our more wondering what that smell is and where its coming more digging through dirty laundry to find something that isn't too dirty because there wasn't time or energy to do wash more having to hand wash a spoon because they're all more running through a drive through because no one feels like cooking and we've not found the time to buy groceries...

but really, what would life be like without the NONnecessities? pretty boring, i'm guessing. well different at least. honestly we go absolutely bananas around here if we don't get out of the house regularly. we really do. i know that's not truly a necessity...but for our sanity, it sorta is. point...what was my point? oh yes....there's just not enough time. and i suck at budgeting my time. so my house is a wreck and we don't always eat home cooked meals and i am floundering with a lot of my life...but...i guess i really shouldn't complain...because i know it could be much worse...

and WILL get better as the kids and i all age, right? *sigh*

i keep thinking if i can just survive tyren's toddlerhood...things will improve significantly. we don't call him "tyren the tornado" for nothing...he seriously tears through this house and leaves everything strewn in his wake. and *I* get criticized for not keeping a clean house???????? i'd like to see those that judge try to do what i do 24/7 with the toddler and the homeschooling 6yr old and the 2 online businesses and the messy house and actually be able to do well at any of it!