Friday, April 06, 2007

stress, stress and more stress

i'm so friggin stressed lately i'm actually feeling it physically. knot in my stomach, constant feeling of unease. bleh. babyfest planning always gets like this near the end, but its exacerbated this year by a toddler that is just SO much work and so exhausting (tantrums galore!) and won't let me get much done...and by the pressure i feel this year because of homeschooling maeven. things just feel more important and more of a big deal when they don't get done and yet with tyren they're less likely to get done because he's so needy and whiney. he won't let me do anything! he's actually calling for me right now, but i think he might have just gotten distracted by curious george on tv for a few minutes, cuz he stopped. hopefully will let me have just a couple minutes of peace. he's even taken to getting up early these days and so i don't even get my couple hours in the morning to work on the computer to catch up on things...and then i'm so friggin tired at nite i crash with him so i don't get computer time in the evening either. so i'm REALLY behind on things...but have to turn off the computer during the day cuz it just makes life with the kiddos worse. really stressful cuz tyren ups the ante when mommy's on the computer (or phone). ugh.

i hate feeling stressed all the time...and then when i do, i am so incredibly irritable. everything and everyone irritates me. i am not a particularly patient person to begin with...but now all the stupid emails that annoy me (people asking for help with the simplest things, regarding my websites or the babyfest) are just putting me over the edge lately. its so hard to be kind and understanding and helpful when i just want people to grow a brain and figure just a FEW things out on their own! particularly when they are emailing me over and over with stuff that i've very clearly already spelled out and detailed to them on a website or an email. if they would just READ instead of expecting me to hold their hand and walk them through everything, ARGH!! i know this is more of an issue with me now though because i'm already under so much pressure to get stuff done. *sigh* normally i'm much better at handling these sorts of requests. (still don't like them, because WHY do i go to all the trouble of making the info available on the web or in emails if they don't bother to READ THEM??? argh!!)

anyway what i wouldn't give for a vacation right now...and a toddler old enough to stay with someone else for a little while. but he's so needy right now...and mostly his needs only include mama. short periods he can handle with others, but not long. i can't take off and go anywhere. yet. it has become quite apparent that the more he needs, the more i attempt to pull away and that just makes him cling more. so lately i'm taking to just sitting and being with him, even when there's mounds of stuff i need to accomplish. just sitting and watching tv with him or holding him while he looks at a book or being at his beck and call outside while he explores (never far)...that seems to make him happy. but if i try to go put on a load of laundry or make a phone call or work on dishes or answer an email...he's losing it and throwing tantrums and life is hell. so things are more pressing than ever, with crunch time for babyfest (less than 3 weeks to go!) and i have to sit and just be with my son more. *sigh* really, he IS the priority though. and maeven, of course. so this is what i do. i am mama first.

then what do i get? criticism left and right from people around me about the stuff i'm not getting done! mentioning no names, of course because i do not want to hurt any feelings...but its wearing me down! all the negativity about how the house and the yard are just trashed...i KNOW they are trashed, you don't have to point it out to me! how about a little sympathy for a stressed mama? how about a little extra help? how about understanding that this will eventually get worked out somehow and be patient?? how about not heaping more negativity on me when i'm already at such a low point? ugh, some people just don't get that! its wearing me down! i'm already stressed because of all i'm dealing with and the added negativity and judgement is just wearing down the last bit of sanity i have. i don't have the energy right now to put up my barriers against it. i've always been very sensitive to other's negativity...but i've been learning that that is my problem in how i deal with it and i cannot change others...negative people will just be negative and i cannot change that so i need to change how *I* react to it, how *I* take it..but right now, at this point with all this stress...i'm having a real hard time shrugging it off. *SIGH*

i need a vacation. thank god one's coming up in may. i'll so be ready for it.

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