Thursday, October 04, 2007

judge me NOT!

i really don't know why this is on my mind today...but since it is...i'll keep writing...

people being judgemental, including myself...drive me NUTS! i HATE it! its such an ugly feeling, being judged AND judging others! i hate it about myself and am constantly struggling to kick the habit (still working on it daily, i'll admit!). but i have made it a point to eliminate people from my life (where possible...there are still family members i will never eliminate from my life because of the rest of their qualities that are wonderful, of course) that make me feel judged. and also that are judgemental of others to the point that it encourages it in me. i need to get myself away from that so that i can learn to not do it myself!

i had a friend not too long ago that this is exactly what happened. i got to the point where i just couldn't stand spending so much time with this person because of the way she always made me feel like she was judging just about everything that came out of my mouth. and i wasn't imagining things because i always seemed to receive lots of unsolicited parenting advice from her anytime i just tried to vent a parent struggle i was having. interesting because i thought this was a male trait to always try to fix things...but this woman was forever telling me things that she thought might help...and i don't agree with many of her ideas so it was particularly not appreciated...but i just smiled and tried to appreciate the rest of the friendship. but it made my time with her get to the point i couldn't stand the thought of spending time with her because i felt judged by her before i even saw her! and i was afraid to say things because i knew that she would make some comment or have some tone to her voice or facial expression that would make me feel like she didn't approve of what i was doing. it really tainted the friendship and caused me to distance myself from her. i couldn't tell her this was the reason because i didn't want to hurt her feelings...so i just allowed our time together to disappear and we only had online interactions here and there. later when a separate situation caused things between us to blow up i discovered it wouldn't have done any good to talk to her about it anyway because she wouldn't believe it. i don't get why some people just don't see how they are to others. i am well aware of my flaws and while it hurts to hear about them...i do admit they are true....i don't repeatedly argue with people that they are wrong and i don't do that. *shaking head* i just don't get it...but anyway...it all comes down to this negative feeling i always got with this person from the judgement...

so now i do not allow people into my inner circle that make me feel judged...who in their right mind wants to feel that? i mean, really...why do people become friends and remain friends? i think common interests and beliefs certainly is a big part of this but to remain friends one would need to feel confident and secure in the relationship...and get good feelings from it. there's no good feelings to be had by being judged. bleh...just makes me remember why i need to keep it in check in myself as well. i certainly do not want to cause these feelings in others. its so ugly.

of course i still catch myself judging...i'm a work in progress...i'm not perfect, and never will be...and i was raised in an environment that was incredibly judgmental (and still is)...so its particularly difficult for me to change...but i still am striving to accomplish this, despite everything! and at the very least, i can work on keeping the judgments inside my head and not express them with my words or actions. my dad was able to do this with racism. he was raised by very racist parents and knew it was wrong, but couldn't get those thoughts out of his head so he made sure not to let them be expressed when raising my brother and i. and it worked! because i never knew til i was an adult that my dad was raised a racist! i don't think he has those feelings anymore, he kept them in check long enough that i guess he finally got control of them. i'm proud of him. i want to do the same thing with the judgemental feelings.

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