Friday, September 21, 2007

tyren's sleep, or lack of

so i kept tyren awake yesterday...no nap...and he fell asleep at 8:30pm! earliest in over a week! actually longer than that! he NEVER goes to sleep that early! like ever! and it was late enough still that he stayed asleep all night. although, one problem is that he doesn't sleep really deep when he goes down that early. so he wakes up a lot and has to be nursed back down. i'm hoping that will change as time goes on. we'll see. i'm still waiting to see if he really is ok with cutting out his nap.

the problem had become that he wasn't napping until after 3pm. i just haven't been able to get him down before then. then he'd sleep past 5 (waking him up early is practically impossible...he sleeps like a rock like his daddy) and wouldn't go back to sleep again til around midnite! every nite! this has been driving me NUTS! i really need to have either evening computer time or earlier bedtime! either way, i want this kid to sleep earlier! so after over a week of being frustrated every single nite cuz of how late he was staying up (some nites it was past 1am!) so i kept him from napping yesterday...not knowing whether he would be mr cranky pants all afternoon or what...well we had our moments, sure...but he really handled it well...we'll see if that continues...its only been one day. i was trying to decide if i would keep him up again today...he ended up staying awake so made the decision for me. i'm watching him to see whether or not this is going to work. i really hope it does because naps are really seriously a pain.

i mean, it is nice to have that time when he's sleeping...but every evening its turned into a fight to get him to sleep and i'm soooo sick of it! it means that i get little or no computer time (to work on all the piles of stuff i always have to work on) and i just get frustrated every nite. so i'm really hoping that he's ready to ditch the nap...but we'll see...if he is showing signs of sleep deprivation, i'll go back to naps. last nite he slept for nearly 12 hours...from about 8:30pm til about 8am...and woke up happy...so far so good. we'll see.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

i did a stupid thing

i can't believe i did it again!!! i turned the soaker hose on in baelin's garden (which is in very very sad shape...i really need to get out there and replant.) and totally forgot about it! i'm talking like over 12 hours! i turned it on in the afternoon/evening and didn't remember it again til the next morning! by that point it had flooded our big room! ARGH! this is the second time this has happened...but this time was worse than the last...more water actually got into the room and we are still vacuuming it out with our carpet cleaner. we've probably emptied like 30 or 40 buckets of water easily. (carpet cleaner buckets) now it STINKS!!! and its still wet! bleh!

argh, i'm kicking myself so hard!! i can't believe i did that AGAIN!!!!

skating adventures

i took maeven for her first skating rink experience today. tyren went to the pet store with daddy so we didn't have any distractions. they had 30min lessons so i took her and she got her first lesson. she did pretty good for her first time, i think. then she got tired and annoyed with the teacher, i think. she started falling more and became more and more uncooperative so i knew we had reached the point where she wasn't going to learn anymore that day.


but she didn't want to leave! so we stayed for the open skate time and i got some skates too. but i spent most of my time turning around and going in circles near her...not a whole lot of skating going on since she was on the floor or hanging onto the wall most of the time. oh well. it was her FIRST time! can't expect miracles! i finally got her to go, since we really weren't doing a lot of skating...we left an hour before free skate ended cuz i knew another hour would have been a nightmare. we got to see a few games at least. they did red light/green light, cha-cha slide and the dice game. so she finally got to see that.

and she was way impressed by all the lights and music once the free skate started. :) and the black lights. :)

i decided i'm going to buy her some good skates and then take her to kaiser park a lot, where they have a hockey rink she can practice skating in. its getting cooler...been in the 80s lately! so it is a good time to start skating.

anyway it brought back a lot of memories going skating...i had SOOOOo much fun skating at rinks as a child...hope maeven learns to love skating as much as i did. :)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

things i'm working on

ok tyren got distracted and i felt like writing more...so i felt like after that huge vent that i should talk about something positive cuz it seems that my blog has so much more negative than positive in it and i don't want it to seem to those that don't know me that i'm just a miserable person, because i'm not. i am a positive type person, i just use my blog to vent. its my outlet...and my hand journal that i write manually in, the stuff i cannot publish on the web because its too personal or its about people that might read it here.

anyway, i thought i'd share what i'm working on.

i feel like tyren needs something just for tyren. he's only 2, but i think he's ready for SOMETHING.

maeven has art class and nana time (my mom takes her to the library weekly and back to her house for a cooking project or takes her shopping or some other nana-fun thing, for a couple hours one day a week) and bompa time (my dad takes her for piano lesson and to work on a woodworking project or just to run errands and get ice cream and have a couple hours for some special bompa time, once a week) and daddy/daughter time (a few hours on sundays just daddy and maeven...they go to the zoo or the museum or whatever and have fun together), and nana/bompa nite (adam and my date nite where they take her friday nites for 3 hours so adam and i can be alone, although now we are not alone because tyren is here and not able to go with them yet...soon though) ...and she has kid yoga one day a week and at least one day a week that we go to a friend's house for her to play for a few hours with her friends, and sometimes her friends come here as well...and she used to also have science class but that got cancelled...and she used to also have gymnastics but she stopped going. so maeven has a lot going on...

but tyren doesn't have anything specifically for him. i tried to take him to the mommy and me gymnastics that happens at the same time as maeven's gymnastics but he was just disruptive and it didn't work. he does participate a little in yoga, though, but the other stuff he's not a part of (stays home with me). so i want something just for him. he's a social little guy and none of maeven's friends have younger sibs the same age as him.

so i've been thinking of starting up a mommy and me class in our house again...but then i thought that's too much work, and i don't need more work...so i think i'll just do a casual playgroup. and i'm actually really kinda excited about the idea! because my mommy group doesn't have any regularly scheduled activities anymore, so it could use it, and because tyren could use some new friends and because *I* could use some new friends as well!

ever since my friend debbie moved away i haven't felt that same deep connection with another mommy that i had with her...it feels like a hole in my heart. *sniff* seriously, i miss where my friendship with debbie was going, and i've never hurt so completely over losing a friend like i did when she moved. :( it STILL hurts and it was like 5 years ago!! anyway, i do have friends...not as many as i used to, but i have plenty...but none are on that deep level where i want to just pick up the phone and call them on a whim and share my innermost feelings. it takes a very special friendship to reach the depth and i would sure love to have that again at some point. so anyway...tyren needs friends, i need friends...maeven is pretty much set for friends...but tyren and i could really benefit from a playgroup...meet some new people. even if there isn't anyone that becomes our new best friends, it could still be very fun!!

so that's my immediate plan...start having playgroup...which will force me to clean my house once a week, something i need the kick in the butt for. (actually, amazingly i've been doing pretty darn good with some of the house stuff lately...so shouldn't be too too hard to get it ready for a playgroup).

AND i want to have a science club for maeven. that's my other plan. i haven't figured out what to do for science for maeven yet and cindy (one of my friends, and maeven's friends' moms) suggested that we get something together for group science learning, which i LOVE the idea! so i want to do that as well! hope we can do it in the mornings when it would work best for tyren.

so those are my 2 most immediate things i'm working on to help de-stress our lives and make things better...playgroup and science group. more on it as things begin to happen! i am really excited to get both of them going! i think having people over here or going somewhere regularly would really help with all the bickering that's been happening around here recently...we just need something to break up our days and focus us better. :)

ok now back to my family...i'm feeling much better now after these 2 long posts...i think my hubby will be happy to see me return to the family, lol!

i CAN make it to the end of summer, DAMMITT!

i'm sooooooo tired of summer! and migraines! and this slump that i'm having a dickens of a time getting out of (but i WILL, i WILL!!! slooooowwwwly gettin' there) summer is just so stinkin hot here in the central valley (over 100 for much of the summer) and i HATE it so COMPLETELY that over the course of the summer (which lasts from late april to early october, NO KIDDING!!!) i am so drained and so downhearted from the weather that when the weather does finally lift (the end is in sight! we've only about a month left!) that it changes my mood so significantly i can get positively GIDDY! not there yet cuz its still friggin hot and i'm still stuck in this slump...but we'll get there.

i originally figured that since the weather here is so horrendous in the summer that i would continue to homeschool all summer and take our break in the good weather...fall or spring. when we can spend lots of outdoor time. but then i just couldn't do it. it was just so icky i couldn't get myself motivated! i would start full-steam and fizzle within a couple weeks (sometimes days) ...and finally i decided i was just going to have to wait out the heat cuz even though i'm in the ac'd house (well half my house is ac...and unfortunately the kitchen is in the half w/o ac and that is a room i'm in and out of constantly allllll day!) it still just sucks the life outta me daily. stuck in the house endlessly in this god-awful-hades-like-existance is just inhuman! i HATE it!!! have i mentioned how much i HATE living here? oh yeah, HATE HATE HATE HATE it! and we're stuck here cuz of all our family and no way would my hubby even ever consider moving...so stuck here i am. :( only reason i won't fight it is cuz my kids are so close to my folks and i won't take that away from them. i grew up not knowing any of my extended relatives since we were all over the world (dad in the navy) so i swore i wouldn't do that to my kids. boy its hard though. because really, what's better? having the family for my kids but they have a mom that HATES where she lives so completely its become a part of who she is? i dunno. but the issue cannot even be broached, so here i wallow. *wallow wallow wallow*

i'm having a bad day right now so if it seems worse than normal, it is. this is my second day of migraines in a row. this one was pretty bad...yesterdays was just annoying, today's is painful and i had to pop some vicodin.

and i think i did a pretty good thing for my kids by getting us out of the house to this new covered park (the cover is new, not the park...why in the HELL did it take so goddamned LONG for them to figure out that in this friggin hot HELL that they should cover the playgrounds? thank god they finally did, but geez louise, the city folks must not have any kids! that's so ridiculous that its infuriating!!) they had fun, we got out of the house. it was hot, but tolerable in the heat...today it was only in the 90s so we feel like we're in a cold snap out here! lol! but the kids got to play and we even saw some friends at the park, what are the odds? LOL! so that was nice....

but the day is gone already and that's all we did! it always takes us HOURS to get going in the morning to do anything...we just lounge around in pjs watching tv and playing on the computer...my biggest goal of the mornings is just to get us all fed (doesn't always happen...i often forget to feed myself!) and then getting everyone dressed and hair brushed and us all ready to go out the door...takes FOREVER!!! and i only have 2 kids!!! geez louise!! so by the time we got out the door today it was like noon...we picked up quiznos on the way to the park and then spent a couple hours at the park and then it was naptime for tyren! that's it!

tyren fell asleep on the way home...i got him to lay down on the couch in the living room for a bit while i helped maeven with a computer game and then he woke up and i was so friggin exhausted from my migraine i just lay down and crashed with him...and maeven repeatedly woke me up but i expected her to...but i got a little catnap here and there and it felt good...tyren woke up about 5pm and then we all proceeded to fight. yay fun. maeven had a meltdown about wanting to clean her room and its so overwhelming for her when its trashed (understandable, but i don't know how to instill in her that its doable if she'd just calm down!!) and she wanted my help while tyren didn't want to leave my side and maeven is having a fit about tyren coming in her room, where he's not allowed (lots of chokables). back and forth and back and forth with the crying and the screaming and me with a painful migraine that the vicodin had worn off....enter daddy.

and there's just something about daddy that just pisses me off. i really seriously think dads have it easy. i really do. ok i know in my head that working isn't easy but i know now that mommying is so completely beyond anything dads EVER have to do (and mine doesn't have an easy job by any means) that i feel SOOOOO resentful over how much more i have to do every day.

don't get me wrong. i love my husband so completely and i appreciate him. but on a day like today....it pisses me off that he has it so easy. he doesn't get migraines, he doesn't have more than a few hours at a time with the children, he doesn't EVER have a toddler whining and crying and clinging to him and sucking on him!!!

now i complain, but i wouldn't change much about my life right now, honestly...i know this too shall pass and this blog is my place to vent. its overwhelming, my life. and i know every mom out there knows what i mean. mommying is HARD. no shit! anyone that's never been a mom truly has NO CLUE. even if you're a crappy mom, its hard...and if you're working on at least trying to do a good job, its just completely impossible to get it all right!!! i really am beginning to think it can't be done. doesn't stop me from trying but i have learned that if i focus on the house and actually stay up with the house...the kids suffer...and if i focus on the kids and don't stress on the house, the house gets so trashed that we all suffer because its just too messy to live in happily. there's just no way to do it all! so i go back and forth. i don't know if i'm doing anything right, but i just keep plugging away and try to cherish the little moments of joy i get.

i used to revel in those moments of joy i used to get regularly when i was young and single....the ones where i lived in a one-room apt and didn't own much stuff yet and was able to keep it nearly spotless because i didn't have any roommates...just me and one cat. i would spent saturday every weekend doing the bathroom and the kitchen and the vacuuming and then it was clean for another week. i would let the dishes pile for a couple days but then it was like 5 or 10 min to catch up. i used to actually eat my leftovers regularly...would make too much on purpose specifically so i wouldn't have to cook for a couple days after and would actually eat it all before it rotted. and i would crank my tunes up after a good hard clean, when i was feeling good already about all the stuff i got cleaned and would sit on my balcony and write in my journal and listen to music and just feel good about life because life was good.

and i'd get those butterflies in my stomach from the pure joy of it.

nowadays i can't remember the last time i had butterflies because there's just so much stress and too much going on to stop and enjoy life. i hate that. i am wracking my brains to try to find a way to bring those moments of joy back. and to share them with my kids and husband. that's why i took them to the park today. it was nice. it really was! and i will continue to do that and do that more...because this is insane how much stress i'm under every day! and i'm not even really doing all my online biz stuff much these days! and its not babyfest time! its just daily mommy stuff! its enough to put me over the edge!

but i will persevere because i am a fighter and i am an optimist and i am a joyful person....dammitt! well i will be again. i'm determined. i will find that again...and i will share it with my kids....actually i should probably just let them share it with me because they are the ones that know it so much better than i these days....i just have to let them show me.

*sigh* baby is fighting for computer time now. yes my 2yr old loves to play on the computer. and he does it well! LOL! pbskids.org and noggin.com are his regular play places! LOL!