Wednesday, October 31, 2007

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

i'll be posting pics of my little dragon and unicorn shortly...but for now i just wanted to post a little about halloween. first of all, a fantastic article that i like to share at this time of year. its highly enlightening.

i'm always amazed to hear of people that are so ridiculously UNeducated on the true roots of halloween that they think its an evil satanic holiday. i even overheard a very dear friend a few years back talking about just this topic and that they don't celebrate it and i was SO torn. because i wanted so bad to educate her so that she would let her children enjoy this fun holiday...but then i decided against it because i really don't want to mess with someone else's religious beliefs...thought it might put a wedge between us so i kept my mouth shut. but it seriously makes my skin crawl to hear people spreading horrible misinformation about halloween.

i've done a ton of educating myself on world religions. well i used to, not so much anymore (no time! but maybe when my kids are older i'll be able to find time again)...and i only just scratched the surface. but at one point, not that long ago (in fact i was smack in the middle of it when i met my hubby), i was really gung-ho about neo-paganism. i've since decided that its not the path for me but for awhile there i really was keen on it and still actually am, just not for me. not that i really have a path, but paganism just wasn't fitting me. anyway, so during that time of my soaking up all things neo-pagan (met some really great friends during that time and learned there is quite a pagan subculture in the fresno area...adam and i even got to attend a yule circle one time! really cool!) and of course the subject of halloween did come up. especially i got to hear about all the silly ideas some people have about halloween.

so read the above linked article to set yourself straight if you have any ideas of the holiday being evil or whatnot. i suppose it still won't help those that are so one-minded that they think anything NOT what they believe is evil...because there's no convincing those people of anything. but i like to try to educate those that are more open-minded, so they don't continue to spread misinformation. that's one of my biggest pet peeves--people who spout off about stuff they very obviously have NO idea about.

so anyway halloween is definitely celebrated in this house...and we talk about how the witches that we see at halloween in all the decorations and costumes are the FICTIONAL ideas of what witches are and that real witches are real people and we even have one friend that is a self-proclaimed witch that my kids will understand as they grow up (tyren's nowhere near ready to understand and maeven's only just starting to learn) that witchcraft is just another religion, like all the others out there and there's nothing evil about it and that its actually quite interesting and beautiful and halloween is a special day for real witches but the witches that we see on halloween in cartoons and such are make believe. and we trick or treat because its fun. and dressing up is fun. and halloween is fun.

i just feel really sad for children who's parents don't let them have halloween. not the end of the world, of course...but it is sad. give me a break about the evil origins...those parents need to educate themselves and let their kids be kids and have fun. *sigh* but of course they get to choose what's right for their kids just like i get to choose what's right for my kids. and i'll just vent here because i would never approach anyone in real life and tell them i think they're ridiculous for thinking ill of halloween. not my place to say. there's a lot of ridiculous stuff out there and depriving their kids of halloween, i suppose, is just a very small thing. but still sad. :(

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Mom Song

OMG this is so insanely funny i cried when i first saw it!!! you just try not to!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

new project

so i just FINALLY finished the revamp of the babyfest website. BIG change from what it looked like before, in pepto bismol pink.

and there are some that thought the site looked fine as it was....pshaw, LOL! it looks AWESOME now! if i do say so myself.

it was an ENORMOUS project. took me months to get it all done. glitch after glitch after glitch solved and improved on. i'm quite proud of myself, i am!

and the biggest thing for me is that now i have a new system that automates the vendor sign up...which is really really fantastic because it saves me a buttload of work.

before i used to have a form online for all vendors to sign up and then after they submitted their info they were taken to paypal to pay. then the form was sent to me and i copied/pasted their info onto the website. well that was a HUGE job...especially since we typically now have 70+ vendors. so now i am using a directory program. the same kind i use for my fresno family online mall and my mommy chats mommy biz directory. the new babyfest vendor directory will automate the whole process so i don't have to put any of the info online, it does it for me. woohoo!

so now that i've done the babyfest revamp, its time to move on to something new. i have been putting off another huge revamp. i bought a new domain name and was planning on combining my 2 websites, fresno family and mommy chats. into one big family info site. so i guess its time for me to get working on that! :) hmmmm, where to start?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

oh THANK GOD!!!

af (that's "aunt flo" to the uninitiated, LOL! that's an online forum term) arrived this morning!! we're NOT preggers! i can't tell you HOW FRIGGIN RELIEVED I AM!!!

this is the scaredest i've been. i've had other pg scares before...but with all the peeing...which, by the way, has slowed down...i guess i just was drinking alot for awhile there. dunno *shrug*. but anyway it was pretty nerve-wracking.

just really shows me how done i really am. there was NO excitement. i was trying to not freak out too much because i realized that it would just make matters worse if i really was pg. and i didn't want my possible future child to start the world out with mommy full of disappointment and negative feelings towards him/her. so i was trying to stay calm (not succeeding real well, but trying)...but i kept going over and over in my head all the stuff i did NOT want to experience ever again....pregnancy and all the aches and pains and discomfort and tiredness and how hard it is to parent other kids when you're that uncomfortable and tired and sleepy....(oh and how it would affect my relationship with tyren, being the "baby", which we call him all the time and he calls himself...and knowing that he would have a REAL hard time adjusting to not being the baby anymore and where our nursing and cosleeping relationship would go) oh the hip pain, ay yi yi!!! don't want that ever again! and then what in the HELL would we do for birth? after all the complications we've had in all our births in the past...i would NOT want another c-section (would be my third), but i don't think there's an OB here in town that will do a vbac after TWO c's. and so i would probably lean towards another homebirth but possibly just not make the decision til its too late to change our mind...and maybe finally heal all the hurt i still feel after all our really sad birth experiences (that's the only real positive i could find in this possibility, other than another beautiful child but knowing i really am not doing all that great with 2...i think i'd have a nervous breakdown if i had another)...

then the reality of 3 kids. i am so stressed daily with all i have to do with these 2. i don't feel i'm doing all that great, i really don't...although maybe someone not me might say differently, but i really am not living up to my own expectations with things NOW...if i had 3 i think i'd just be a basketcase. well hell, i already am one! i just don't have enough patience for 3. and it would mean a lot more of a delay til i am able to have all older kids that are less dependent on me. something i'm really looking forward to...my kids being older and me not having to jump every 2minutes to do something for one of them. mostly tyren at this point but maeven is pretty danged demanding too...working on that...

anyway it just freaked me out cuz i really don't enjoy the toddler years with how friggin chaotic and stressful it is...and how i cannot keep up with everything i really need to do...my house is always a wreck and there's really no way for me to make it otherwise because i seriously spend as much time as i can on it now and its not a lot of help. perhaps i could spend less time online (i'm not on a lot except when the kids are sleeping these days...they fight me for the computer during waking hours) but then i think that would just be the straw that broke the camels back. the computer is my coping mechanism. if i couldn't use it i would lose it even more than i already do. i destress when i work on my websites and egroups and other projects. i need it.

so anyway...if i had 3...ugh...it would just be way too much for me for soooooooooo many reasons.

and maybe i'd find a way to make it work...and maybe i'd learn patience i don't have now...but honestly, i just don't want to have to go through it so this morning i am SOOOOOOOOOOOO RELIEVED!!

now i'm going to call and schedule adam to get snipped!!!!

Monday, October 08, 2007

my mud munchkins

we're digging out a sandpit in our backyard. for those of you who know my yard, its where the circle of stumps used to be...the stumps got really lose because of how much of them was eaten up by termites and so we pitched them...and we're really excited about our new sandpit-to-be!!
we've had to soften the soil to make it easier to dig...it worked great the first day when we hadn't dug down that far but on the second day i put the sprinkler on it we had dug down much further and there apparently is a fair amount of hardpan or something similar that causes the soil to not drain so much, so there was a lot of standing water still in the pit the next day when we went out to work on it some more. the kids had a BLAST playing in the mud!!



i'm really looking forward to getting this sandpit finished...we're nearly done with the digging. i think it will prove to be very popular with the kiddos. and in the process of all this (with all the dug-out dirt), we've also created a great pile of dirt for a fun dirt play area in the back of the yard where they are having a blast digging and creating adventures with our little people and animals.

i remember as a child that my parents had bought a bunch of dirt to fill ammo boxes to make planters...that dirt never made it to the ammo boxes...the boxes never made it into planters either, LOL! my brother tim and i and all the neighborhood kids had SOOOO many hours of fun with that pile of dirt and those ammo boxes (separately). i'm glad to be creating similar memories for my kiddos.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

WOW!!!!

this is a really intriguing article about homeschooling!

it makes me want to jump up and down by the end of it and say YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!! LOL!!!

goodness i hope that policymakers in the US finally GET it about homeschooling...they should seriously respect parents and trust that we have the right to choose what we feel is the best education for our children...because for god's sake can anyone actually say in any seriousness that the US has an excellent educational system.....uh, NO!!! can they say that our public education system SUCKS??? uh, YEAH! so with all the research out there on homeschooling (and i keep hearing of more and more...so it looks like there really is a LOT out there...and i've yet to hear of any that say homeschooling is bad)...talking about how great homeschooling is...how in the world could anyone argue against it?

hell, they even broach the social issue with the study above...sounds to me that homeschooled students are BETTER socialized!! good lord, it all is so friggin obvious to me, i just don't get how there's so many really ignorant people in the world that still think that homeschooling is bad. *rolling eyes*

actually, wanna hear something really weird? i talk to all kinds of homeschoolers all over the world on the net and have read about some really bad situations with friends, relatives and strangers regarding their reaction to homeschooling...but i've yet to have any real negative interaction yet!! in fact....i am shocked to say that every single stranger i've ever talked to about homeschooling has been fully supportive!!! years ago when i was talking to a little old lady at the target cafe about how i was planning to homeschool maeven (she was just about 3 at the time), started gushing about how wonderful homeschooling is!!! i ran into a lady at harry's bagels not too long ago...also an older lady (though not as old as the first) and she said that SHE had homeschooled her kids! and how wonderful it was that i was homeschooling! and even my insurance guy just over a week ago said that its better to homeschool, "if you're able to do it"...which i took to mean that not every family is equipped to have one person home to homeschool, which i do realize is a reality for many. but he didn't blink at all about it and even was positive about it! surprised me! honestly surprises me every time i get positive feedback about homeschooling from strangers! i can't think of a single stranger yet that has had negative things to say about it! (and that would stand out in my memory, i think.) the only negative i can think of was from a family member wondering about socialization...which doesn't surprise me because its just not something that the average person is educated about. so i know it was just uneducation on the subject. i'm sure there are others in the family that are not so gung ho about me homeschooling maeven (and later, tyren), but they don't vocalize it so thankfully i'm not bombarded with any negativity about it. i'm happy to be left alone in this. its something i will never budge on and am very very strong in my beliefs about so i'm happy to not have to deal with negativity from anyone.

i'm just really amazed that all the feedback i get is positive, regarding homeschooling. that's just really neat!! i guess i'm lucky to live an a very homeschooling friendly area. i'm guessing its not this way in other parts of the country and world.

Friday, October 05, 2007

dreaming about brittney

good lord, what's wrong with me? why in the WORLD am i dreaming of brittney spears? i find the whole situation just ridiculous. talk about the saddest pathetic excuse for a mother that i've ever heard of...i'm thinking it was really GOOD that her kids were taken from her.

but last nite i dreamt that i knew she was attempting suicide and i found her and rescued her. i had to drag her heavy body to my van...she was semi-conscious...she had tried burying herself alive, i think...not sure...that part is fuzzy for me. i took her back to my work (dunno what that was, but it had lots of people there...i have really bizarre dreams) and because i'm a nobody i managed to keep her away from the paparazzi. nobody paid any attention to me.

i'm not sure what happened next but i know she was very lethargic and sad and i got her changed and a wig and something like that for a disguise. the weirdest part is during all this i felt very sorry for her...really sad for her to feel so lost and tormented. i really felt protective and caring for her. amazing how dreams bring out real emotions so strongly.

that's so strange because in real life i tend to think she's a freak out of control who has no clue whatsoever on how to be a good mom. i don't believe she deserves all the paparazzi buzz but then that's what you get when you become a celebrity. (something i SERIOUSLY don't envy...i've never really wanted to be a celebrity...i like my anonymity, thankyou! i mean, a little celebrity-ness would be neat...maybe just local...but not like that...not where i would attract paparazzi, NO THANK YOU!) and honestly she is so setting herself up with all the stupidity out in the media eye.

which brings me to partying moms. another thing that i think is so friggin stupid, immature and just plain SELFISH that it makes me disgusted to even have to say it! i don't get moms that think that partying is ok. i have never even felt comfortable drinking ANY alcohol since i became a mom, but that's my own quirk...but i don't believe moms should imbibe to the point of intoxication at all, like ever. but hey, that's just me. and going out all nite and partying...just plain irresponsible and selfish. going out for the evening with the girls, not getting drunk, just having good clean fun...sure, no problem...going out to clubs and drinking to get snockered and not coming home to your babies at nite or coming back dripping drunk....STUPID and IRRESPONSIBLE. that's my feelings. i don't care if anyone disagrees either. i'm entitled to my feelings.

i had my time with alcohol...and maybe later in life after my kids are much much older (they're only 6.5yrs and 2yrs now) i may have some occasional tipsy time again (it IS, admittedly, quite fun)...but right now my prime responsibility is those children. and being irresponsible and stupid is not on my list of things to do. i think parents who party are still living like teenagers and haven't matured enough to deserve to be a parent...but oh well...i don't get a say in the stupid things that other parents do. there's lots of other stupid things parents do that i don't have a say in either, LOL! ah well...so there's my brittney rant. LOL!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

judge me NOT!

i really don't know why this is on my mind today...but since it is...i'll keep writing...

people being judgemental, including myself...drive me NUTS! i HATE it! its such an ugly feeling, being judged AND judging others! i hate it about myself and am constantly struggling to kick the habit (still working on it daily, i'll admit!). but i have made it a point to eliminate people from my life (where possible...there are still family members i will never eliminate from my life because of the rest of their qualities that are wonderful, of course) that make me feel judged. and also that are judgemental of others to the point that it encourages it in me. i need to get myself away from that so that i can learn to not do it myself!

i had a friend not too long ago that this is exactly what happened. i got to the point where i just couldn't stand spending so much time with this person because of the way she always made me feel like she was judging just about everything that came out of my mouth. and i wasn't imagining things because i always seemed to receive lots of unsolicited parenting advice from her anytime i just tried to vent a parent struggle i was having. interesting because i thought this was a male trait to always try to fix things...but this woman was forever telling me things that she thought might help...and i don't agree with many of her ideas so it was particularly not appreciated...but i just smiled and tried to appreciate the rest of the friendship. but it made my time with her get to the point i couldn't stand the thought of spending time with her because i felt judged by her before i even saw her! and i was afraid to say things because i knew that she would make some comment or have some tone to her voice or facial expression that would make me feel like she didn't approve of what i was doing. it really tainted the friendship and caused me to distance myself from her. i couldn't tell her this was the reason because i didn't want to hurt her feelings...so i just allowed our time together to disappear and we only had online interactions here and there. later when a separate situation caused things between us to blow up i discovered it wouldn't have done any good to talk to her about it anyway because she wouldn't believe it. i don't get why some people just don't see how they are to others. i am well aware of my flaws and while it hurts to hear about them...i do admit they are true....i don't repeatedly argue with people that they are wrong and i don't do that. *shaking head* i just don't get it...but anyway...it all comes down to this negative feeling i always got with this person from the judgement...

so now i do not allow people into my inner circle that make me feel judged...who in their right mind wants to feel that? i mean, really...why do people become friends and remain friends? i think common interests and beliefs certainly is a big part of this but to remain friends one would need to feel confident and secure in the relationship...and get good feelings from it. there's no good feelings to be had by being judged. bleh...just makes me remember why i need to keep it in check in myself as well. i certainly do not want to cause these feelings in others. its so ugly.

of course i still catch myself judging...i'm a work in progress...i'm not perfect, and never will be...and i was raised in an environment that was incredibly judgmental (and still is)...so its particularly difficult for me to change...but i still am striving to accomplish this, despite everything! and at the very least, i can work on keeping the judgments inside my head and not express them with my words or actions. my dad was able to do this with racism. he was raised by very racist parents and knew it was wrong, but couldn't get those thoughts out of his head so he made sure not to let them be expressed when raising my brother and i. and it worked! because i never knew til i was an adult that my dad was raised a racist! i don't think he has those feelings anymore, he kept them in check long enough that i guess he finally got control of them. i'm proud of him. i want to do the same thing with the judgemental feelings.

really really worried!

i may be worrying for nothing...but i'm really scared i may be pregnant again. ugh, i SOOOO don't want to be pg again nor do i want anymore kids! but adam and i aren't particularly careful sometimes...although we really don't want anymore kids, its just hard to always be careful...and last month i know of one instance where i was really kicking myself for us being stupid. *sigh*

the reason i am worried is because i've been peeing...a LOT...i don't normally get up in the middle of the night to pee but i've been getting up at least once, often twice! and yes, i do pee before i go to bed. now granted, i do drink a lot regularly...i've always got a drink it seems...but i don't think that's changed any recently...only how often i have been peeing. the only other thing i can think of is just silly, like a bladder tumor or something...but i don't have any idea about what that would be like...i'm thinking its a better bet that i might be pg. ugh, i hate even saying it!

the thing is...if i am, then i have to get used to the idea fast because i certainly don't want to send any negative energy to any child of mine...and i certainly will welcome any newcomer with the open arms that i welcomed all my others. that's only fair. but i seriously...SERIOUSLY don't want any more! the thought of having to go through pregnancy again freaks me OUT!! and birth...i have no idea what the hell i'd do! after 2 c-sections and one baby dying in a vbac in between those 2 births...not related, i know, but still scary...i don't know what decisions to make about another...i would probably want to go the natural route again...not having baelin's death so fresh on my mind i am not so freaked out about birth anymore...i'm more freaked out about having to deal with all the discomforts and LONG MONTHS of pregnancy while caring for 2 others...when i'm already super overwhelmed!! and then having to deal with a baby while having tyren, who really exhausts me already!!! *sigh*

let's all just cross our fingers that this is a false alarm. because so far the only thing that has tipped me off to any possible change is the peeing...so maybe i'm just aging and my bladder just cannot handle things so well anymore...that i could live with. not fun having to get up to pee all the time, but i can live with that MUCH easier than another pregnancy and child. *sigh* so sad to think i'm so friggin against it but i really am. hope i don't have to adjust everything in my life again.... *sigh* we REALLY have to get adam in to be fixed!!! he's willing to do it, just been dragging his feet. if we make it through this scare, i am so pushing him to get in there and get it DONE!