Saturday, July 05, 2008

weekend ramblings

life is never perfect, that's for sure...and we have rough times here and there as much as anyone else, i suppose. but i have to say that i have been feeling pretty thankful for my life right now. i have heard over and over and over again lately of person after person after person that is having some really rough times. really rough. all sorts of rough times. it really makes me feel very thankful for my life. i can't complain right now.

financially we're doing pretty good, despite the fact that we regularly are very tight. just about every pay period we end up pinching pennies to the point of having to make choices on things like staying home most of a week because we just cannot afford gas. or trying to figure out what we're going to eat for dinner because we don't have money to go buy groceries and there's not a whole lot of anything left in the cupboards. but seriously that's not been that stressful, surprisingly. i always know that we'll figure it out...and we do. i haven't actually felt super stressed lately, surprisingly. now that i think of it....i really haven't! i don't know what's different for me. i wonder if its because my perspective has changed. i know so many people right now that have it so much worse than me. its amazing how that really can affect a person.

and like i said, things are far from perfect in my life. my mom has cancer again. that's actually been surprisingly not shocking or scary like i thought it would be if it ever happened again. she had her thyroid out about 2 months ago and it was packed full of cancer. this saturday she goes for radiation. she acts like its nothing. maybe it isn't. she's been through much worse. she doesn't have to do chemo this time so she's probably not going to have all that bad of a time this time. not that removing her thyroid was easy. but she's had much worse. when she had her mastectomy, she had reconstruction at the same time so she was all chopped to hell. THAT was hard! she really got knocked on her ass then. and later she had 6months of chemo. almost died a couple times. THAT was hard. this time...it doesn't seem so scary. maybe its not. if i sit an think about it, it will get a little more scary so i just try not to dwell. since dwelling on it really won't do a thing anyway. and as far as they've told us so far, she's doing quite well. so i will assume it will continue to be that way until i hear otherwise.

so back to counting my blessings. not that long ago i was at my whit's end trying to deal with the stress of every day living. not sure what changed, but it just occurred to me that its been awhile since i felt that feeling of not being able to take much more. again, could be the perspective thing. i really don't have anything to complain about. my life is good. it really is!

oh my husband and i don't have the perfect marriage...but who the hell does? we fight. sure we fight. we argue, we get on each other's nerves, we fight. but we don't scream and yell at each other or name call. ever. that's just not us. one time, years ago, i remember sharing that fact with my sisters in law and brother in law's girlfriend (at the time), and they acted pretty shocked that adam and i don't yell at each other when we fight. well we don't. weird, huh? LOL.

oh adam and i get on each other's nerves. in fact, i don't think we always communicate all that well. our prides get in the way. we say and do stupid selfish things. like i said, we're not perfect. but we do still love each other. and i don't ever doubt that and i doubt adam does either.

and motherhood. sometimes i really think i suck at it. i doubt myself constantly. but when it comes down to it. really down to it...i think i'm a good mom. i know i am. i suck at times, but overall i think i'm doing a pretty good job. i'm not doing the excellent job that i think i should be. i think i have some pretty high standards in my head that perhaps i'm just not able to live up to. and i screw up left and right. probably every day. but i'm starting to be more accepting of who i am. i just am not capable of some of the things that i really think i should be providing for my kids. i just am not. routine is one prime example. i really think they need and deserve a regular routine and i'm the first to admit that they would probably thrive on a predictable routine. but i'm simply not capable of providing that. i don't know exactly why. but i'm not. letting go of that really has reduced my stress level greatly.

it doesn't stop me from continuing to attempt to get some sort of a predictable routine for my kids. i will never stop. but i'm going easier on myself about it. feeling great accomplishment from what i'm able to accomplish, and not sweating the small stuff otherwise. and trying to remember that its all small stuff.

i have so many things to be thankful for... i have a husband who loves me dearly...wonderful, adorable, hysterically funny children...who are healthy and happy! our significantly LARGE tax refund should be coming in soon and we should be able to finally get the darn "big room" remodelled completely. YAY! we have a house that while it needs some cosmetic work (mostly), is basically in decent shape and aren't we so lucky to have it? i have a husband with a decent job that enables me to stay home with my children. enables us to survive on one income, where families with 2 incomes are struggling all around us. i have, with my husband, made financial choices that have enabled us to not be in super debt currently. we have one credit card that has about $100 on it that will be paid off when we get our tax refund. that's it. (paid the rest off when we got the new mortgage and got cash out on it, and cancelled all but that one card so we wouldn't get into that situation again!) ...we don't have any other pending bills! just paid them all off as of monday when i mail off the last medical bill (paid off with the wonderful health savings account that adam has that has been one of the best things we ever did!) i can't tell you how GOOD that feels!

i could just go on and on about how great my life it. its funny cuz i can think of reasons its not great also. but right now those things just seem so insignificant. i am far more focused on the good. and keeping the good.

we are making plans to get plans set in action for our retirement. that's become super important to us lately. not sure how we'll swing it but we will figure it out somehow. all the lessons my dad taught me about finances and retirement and insurance and the importance of all that is finally sunk in deeply and i'm sufficiently jarred as to the importance of making it work somehow. like i said, dunno how...especially since we cannot even afford health insurance for me right now... but somehow we need to jiggle stuff around and make it work. and health insurance too. somehow.

the one thing that i never doubt is that we will have all things work out somehow. wow its a good feeling! :)

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