Saturday, August 16, 2008

so sick of being a single mom--warning: vent

adam has had one thing after another lately that has kept him away from us...free-lance shoots, social things and family obligations. it just has really felt lately like we've not seen much of him.

now i will preface all this with the fact that i KNOW that he's doing good things...he's a really GREAT GUY doing GOOD THINGS, and he's not going out and just leaving us at home for a whim. he's helping his extended family with a lot of things and he's helping us, his immediate family, by making us much needed extra money...and he's got to have time to be able to go out with friends/family to enjoy a social life. i KNOW THIS, and i agree with this. it just piles up on me sometimes for extended periods and i gotta whine. i hate when it seems to happen for weeks and weeks on end (often there's just no way to do it differently, but i still hate it after it keeps happening). which is how lately has been, for the most part. at least it feels that way right now.

now i can hear all the single moms saying "oh wah, boo hoo, welcome to my life." well i KNOW that there are plenty of people out there doing this all the time, without any help. but the difference here is that i'm NOT SUPPOSED TO BE a single mom! i've GOT A HUSBAND! and he LIVES WITH US! and he doesn't normally have a job that takes him away for days at a time!! this is why i hate this. if i had a lifestyle where there was no choice and it was regular, then sure, i'd adapt. but i don't. i have a great husband who i'm used to having home with us after work (for the most part), my children have a FANTASTIC father, and he is supposed to be here, at least a lot of the time. we just go through spurts of time where things happen one after the other where it gets extremely tiresome for me to have to be the only one caring for the children for days on end. because i'm not supposed to be having to do it this way! UGH!

of course, i'm coping and i know there's a light at the end of the tunnel and things will go back to normal again.

but an example of the last 2 days (just a taste of recent weeks...there's been a lot of other stuff going on)...

yesterday maeven did briefly see daddy when he was leaving the house for his regular job and she was just waking up (not sure how much she remembers that though), and tyren did not (i saw him briefly but i don't think he realized i was awake when he left.) then the day progressed and when he got off of work we didn't get to see him because we were on our way out of yoga and heading straight to a birthday party. (kid yoga ends at 5pm and the party started at 5p so we were late to the party)...adam didn't come with us because first of all he rarely attends these things since he tends to hate them...and second because he had plans to go to a fight with his siblings. so shortly after we got to the party, adam was on his way to the fights...which went til late. we got done with our party around 8:30pm and headed home and got ready for bed. kids went to bed/sleep and adam came back after they were already sleeping. *I* got to see him when he came home, but didn't have the energy (after the heat of today and all the excitement of the party) to do more than talk briefly and go to bed fairly early (for me).

then this morning...he had to be down at his mom's house by 7am to help with their massive moving yard sale. so none of us were yet awake when he left. now it is lunch time and adam should hopefully be coming home pretty soon...but i just was realizing that the kids basically haven't seen their dad since thursday night (and today is saturday). i'm not really counting that brief "goodbye" that maeven said to him on his way to work friday morning.

anyway, that's maybe normal for some families...but its so NOT for ours. and its completely unacceptable to me. (doesn't mean it was something that could have or should have been changed, but still i don't like it and never will. neither does adam) i do manage when i have to. obviously this was something that just happened and we're dealing with it. but we do all we can to avoid this sort of thing. it makes adam sad and me grumpy. the kids have me all day, every day. especially since maeven homeschools, so they don't get away from me a lot. (although i do arrange different things for her...she's still with me a lot more than a public schooled kid would be with their mom)...so its time with daddy that they look forward to. he's the one that plays with them. i'm too caught up in all the work of running a home. not that i've done all that great of a job of it. but i hate to play, and i am always stressed about what's not getting done around here so i really just am not the playful parent. i DO provide other things for them that they equally need...stability, obviously, and emotional security and love, and i do work hard at getting them some interesting and educational things regularly thrown into their lives to keep their childhoods enriching.

right now i'm at an all-time low with this, though (sadly) because its FRIGGIN HOT!! (and i just DON'T cope well with heat), and because i'm SICK OF BEING A SINGLE MOM (which i don't obviously cope well with)...and so my cup hasn't been filled lately and i'm running on empty.

i'm not at the END of my rope, mind you. i've had much worse before and i'm sure i will again. i'm just in a slump and i'm working on trying to figure out a way out of it...which is hard without adam around to lend a hand. it just puts me in survival mode, and not quality mode.

oh and it is INEVITABLE that during a time when i could really use them...my parents go out of town. it never fails. every time adam has stuff to do and it would sure be nice to just go hang with my parents so that i can get a little adult interaction and help entertaining squabbling and whiney children...that always seems to be when they are gone. ARGH.

i know, i know, again... "wah! i don't have family living near me...i NEVER get any help." well, that's not MY life. i DO have parents here and they DO help me (when they can) and its wonderful and i know that's wonderful for us but its not luck. we planned it this way. we stay in this shit hole of a town BECAUSE of the relationships we have with family here and BECAUSE i will not deprive my children of these people who are really important to them (and because i never had these relationships when i was a child with my extended family, i want it for my children). if you chose to live elsewhere from yours or them from you, for whatever reasons (very valid reasons, i'm sure...everyone has their own reality) that's your life and your reality and i'm sure you are dealing with it the best you can. but that's not MY reality. so it irks me when i could sure use them and they are gone. its just an inconvenience, not a huge gigantic deal. just annoys me because it seriously has been a pattern that has repeated a lot lately. UGH. especially since they took on this church in another town that is an hour and half away so they are away EVERY weekend (they leave saturday afternoon and don't come back til sunday evening)...and weekends are when adam does his extra shoots, of course (usually saturday afternoon/evenings, which is when my folks are gone). so there's no one to hang with on weekends when i'm at whit's end. (i don't impose on friends on weekends cuz they are having their own quality family time). i just have to deal. which i do, of course. i just hate it.

and just when i start to get a social life of sorts. 2 weeks in a row i got to go to the movies (both to see "mama mia". and it was really nice. but anyway i'm just whining. it has to be done sometimes and this is my blog and this is what i am allowed to do here. :)

ok i feel better now and adam should be home pretty soon and my kids seem to be entertaining themselves ok right now so i better go get myself something to eat before i get REALLY grouchy. :)

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