Sunday, August 09, 2009

someone shut off my brain!!!

so much happening, so much going on in my head. right now i'm feeling good about all i'm doing and yet still unsettled by all that i have yet to get done.

its absolutely maddening how nuts i can go with all the stuff not getting done. if i get too caught up in all the extra stuff (outside of family) that i am working on, i feel super guilty about neglecting my family and house (and still, i can feel good about what i've accomplished)...and yet when i focus on family and house, i feel good about what i get done, but i feel guilty for neglecting the extra stuff i have committed to. *sigh*

i know, i know, its all about balance. well i've always seriously sucked at balance. i struggle with it daily. and i constantly feel like i should be doing less outside of family and more with my kids and husband. and yet i know that if i didn't have outlets for my boundless creative energy that i would be very unhappy. not saying that family stuff is not creative...i just really need new challenges on a regular basis or i go nuts. there's only so much laundry and dishes and breaking up of sibling fights that i can take before i snap. ok that's a major simplification of a very complex life.

*sigh* i never thought i'd be one of those moms that says that i need more than my family. i always thought that was so selfish. but its true. i do need more. which is why i constantly fill my life with all the extras. at least i've figured out to not take on a million tasks. i've narrowed it down to 2 (admittedly huge) jobs. the learning village and the discovery center. and i've made a promise to myself that there will be no more added to my life. so that's something.

i think about adam and i feel a little better about this needing something. because my adam is an immensely creative soul. and i am absolutely certain that if he didn't have a creative outlet, which is what his fulltime and even parttime work fulfills, he would not be happy. at all. i'm no different than him in that. my creativity just comes out in different ways than his. he shoots and makes videos...i create events and organizations and lead things. i'm a leader. i'm good at it. not perfect, but good. i am confident in it. i feel good doing it. so that's what i do. i follow my heart and i do what i'm good at.

i'm not so good with domestic duties. but i can still do them. not as good as i'd like to do them. but i'm also a bit of a perfectionist so i doubt i'll ever be fully happy with how i do anything.

i berate myself every stinking day with the things that i feel i'm doing poorly (including motherhood)...so it really shouldn't be surprised that i tend to hold onto those projects that i know i'm good at and succeed at. plus...motherhood isn't cut and dry. there's all shades of grey that get so confusing. so hard to know what to do when. but with these other projects, things are a bit clearer as to what to do.

but still i struggle. and i go back and forth and back and forth with feeling ok with all i do and feeling like the world's worst mom and wife for doing all that i do. perhaps i always will.

some people say that just the fact that you question what you do makes you a good mom/wife. god i hope that's true. i hate to think that i'm messing something up royally.

as i get older i'm finding myself more and more introspective. i don't know if that's good or bad. but i am seriously exhausted from all this thinking! :)

ugh, enough thinking. time to do something that doesn't require any thinking. toontown or the bean trees? hmmmm...

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