Saturday, July 08, 2006

very very weird

so since i had that dream last nite, i'm doing these internet searches...and since i was looking up mike and didn't find anything, i thought of looking up an old boyfriend again too...just curious to see if there's anything new on the net about him, he was from the same gang of friends mike was a part of...and i found some online pics of him. i know he married the chick he met when he was still dating me (or maybe they met right after...not sure) and i got in touch with him a few years back via email just to see what he was up to (adam was fully aware and ok with this, i just like to look up old friends and boyfriends every few years or so for some reason...just a quirk of mine, lol!) so i know that he married her and he told me they were polyamorous so i guess he got into a very different lifestyle than me, lol! anyway i found pics. it's definitely him, same smile and everything...so weird to see how people end up so different sometimes.

i knew him when he was fresh out of high school, he was just 18, and we had a very deep and wild relationship for 2 years or so (i'm 2 years older than him)...and he was very important in my life, so that's not the sort of person that you just forget. he was a significant person in my life...i don't know how significant i was in his, i think i was, at least at the time. i don't think of him all the time, just every once in awhile when things like this happen (like dreaming of mike, which got me thinking about those years with that gang of friends in the dorms at sac state)...then i just wonder what he's up to. gotta love the internet! LOL! i can email him but it just feels weird sometimes...i don't know him anymore and we live very different lives. but i do think fondly of him despite all the turmoil of our relationship...we did have some good times. it was a very fun time in my life. bigtime party, lol! i was young and wild and free and enjoying the life of a college kid. :)

i adore my husband, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that i did love someone else before him and that person was significant in my life as well. i know he loved someone else before me as well, and i wouldn't be bothered if he looked her up from time to time...i feel very strong in my relationship with adam and so the thoughts of past loves doesn't bother me like it would have in my other relationships which i was insecure in. it really feels good to be with someone that i am so completely secure and confident in. :) anyway, i really wouldn't mind if he looked up his past relationships occasionally...he's just not like that. he's not interested in learning about them, lol. although...they do live in the same town as us still so he does run into them every decade or so or hears of someone else that ran into them. funny.

anyway...i don't know, just crazy i guess...it was weird seeing what todd looks like now, and what he seems to be up to, from the pics of him and his world...but despite all the stress i've been enduring lately i wouldn't change my life for anything in the world. this is absolutely the path that i wanted and i'm very happy to be on it. i LOVE being a mommy and that's what i always wanted more than anything in the world. and i really am proud of all that i've done and am doing. i'm not just saying that, i really do feel it. i'm doing just what i was meant to do. and i'm making a difference in people's lives, which is really important to me. i'm so much like my dad, lol. but that's a topic for another entry, lol.

i'm very happy to have outgrown the party life. i can honestly say that. every once in awhile i think about the wild life of my youth (i was a bigtime drinker in college/dorm life) and i remember it fondly and don't regret any of it, but i also am not in the slightest bit interested in rehashing any of it. i don't like to drink now, simply because i am caring for children and i feel its irresponsible to drink when you have children...drink to the point of drunk, i mean, not casual social drinks that don't go to your head. but i'm nursing still and i don't like to drink these days because of that, even though technically i could have one glass of wine every now and then...i just don't want to while i'm nursing. feels weird to me.

woops, baby's calling me, gotta go...more thoughts later if i can find the time.

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