Tuesday, September 11, 2007

i CAN make it to the end of summer, DAMMITT!

i'm sooooooo tired of summer! and migraines! and this slump that i'm having a dickens of a time getting out of (but i WILL, i WILL!!! slooooowwwwly gettin' there) summer is just so stinkin hot here in the central valley (over 100 for much of the summer) and i HATE it so COMPLETELY that over the course of the summer (which lasts from late april to early october, NO KIDDING!!!) i am so drained and so downhearted from the weather that when the weather does finally lift (the end is in sight! we've only about a month left!) that it changes my mood so significantly i can get positively GIDDY! not there yet cuz its still friggin hot and i'm still stuck in this slump...but we'll get there.

i originally figured that since the weather here is so horrendous in the summer that i would continue to homeschool all summer and take our break in the good weather...fall or spring. when we can spend lots of outdoor time. but then i just couldn't do it. it was just so icky i couldn't get myself motivated! i would start full-steam and fizzle within a couple weeks (sometimes days) ...and finally i decided i was just going to have to wait out the heat cuz even though i'm in the ac'd house (well half my house is ac...and unfortunately the kitchen is in the half w/o ac and that is a room i'm in and out of constantly allllll day!) it still just sucks the life outta me daily. stuck in the house endlessly in this god-awful-hades-like-existance is just inhuman! i HATE it!!! have i mentioned how much i HATE living here? oh yeah, HATE HATE HATE HATE it! and we're stuck here cuz of all our family and no way would my hubby even ever consider moving...so stuck here i am. :( only reason i won't fight it is cuz my kids are so close to my folks and i won't take that away from them. i grew up not knowing any of my extended relatives since we were all over the world (dad in the navy) so i swore i wouldn't do that to my kids. boy its hard though. because really, what's better? having the family for my kids but they have a mom that HATES where she lives so completely its become a part of who she is? i dunno. but the issue cannot even be broached, so here i wallow. *wallow wallow wallow*

i'm having a bad day right now so if it seems worse than normal, it is. this is my second day of migraines in a row. this one was pretty bad...yesterdays was just annoying, today's is painful and i had to pop some vicodin.

and i think i did a pretty good thing for my kids by getting us out of the house to this new covered park (the cover is new, not the park...why in the HELL did it take so goddamned LONG for them to figure out that in this friggin hot HELL that they should cover the playgrounds? thank god they finally did, but geez louise, the city folks must not have any kids! that's so ridiculous that its infuriating!!) they had fun, we got out of the house. it was hot, but tolerable in the heat...today it was only in the 90s so we feel like we're in a cold snap out here! lol! but the kids got to play and we even saw some friends at the park, what are the odds? LOL! so that was nice....

but the day is gone already and that's all we did! it always takes us HOURS to get going in the morning to do anything...we just lounge around in pjs watching tv and playing on the computer...my biggest goal of the mornings is just to get us all fed (doesn't always happen...i often forget to feed myself!) and then getting everyone dressed and hair brushed and us all ready to go out the door...takes FOREVER!!! and i only have 2 kids!!! geez louise!! so by the time we got out the door today it was like noon...we picked up quiznos on the way to the park and then spent a couple hours at the park and then it was naptime for tyren! that's it!

tyren fell asleep on the way home...i got him to lay down on the couch in the living room for a bit while i helped maeven with a computer game and then he woke up and i was so friggin exhausted from my migraine i just lay down and crashed with him...and maeven repeatedly woke me up but i expected her to...but i got a little catnap here and there and it felt good...tyren woke up about 5pm and then we all proceeded to fight. yay fun. maeven had a meltdown about wanting to clean her room and its so overwhelming for her when its trashed (understandable, but i don't know how to instill in her that its doable if she'd just calm down!!) and she wanted my help while tyren didn't want to leave my side and maeven is having a fit about tyren coming in her room, where he's not allowed (lots of chokables). back and forth and back and forth with the crying and the screaming and me with a painful migraine that the vicodin had worn off....enter daddy.

and there's just something about daddy that just pisses me off. i really seriously think dads have it easy. i really do. ok i know in my head that working isn't easy but i know now that mommying is so completely beyond anything dads EVER have to do (and mine doesn't have an easy job by any means) that i feel SOOOOO resentful over how much more i have to do every day.

don't get me wrong. i love my husband so completely and i appreciate him. but on a day like today....it pisses me off that he has it so easy. he doesn't get migraines, he doesn't have more than a few hours at a time with the children, he doesn't EVER have a toddler whining and crying and clinging to him and sucking on him!!!

now i complain, but i wouldn't change much about my life right now, honestly...i know this too shall pass and this blog is my place to vent. its overwhelming, my life. and i know every mom out there knows what i mean. mommying is HARD. no shit! anyone that's never been a mom truly has NO CLUE. even if you're a crappy mom, its hard...and if you're working on at least trying to do a good job, its just completely impossible to get it all right!!! i really am beginning to think it can't be done. doesn't stop me from trying but i have learned that if i focus on the house and actually stay up with the house...the kids suffer...and if i focus on the kids and don't stress on the house, the house gets so trashed that we all suffer because its just too messy to live in happily. there's just no way to do it all! so i go back and forth. i don't know if i'm doing anything right, but i just keep plugging away and try to cherish the little moments of joy i get.

i used to revel in those moments of joy i used to get regularly when i was young and single....the ones where i lived in a one-room apt and didn't own much stuff yet and was able to keep it nearly spotless because i didn't have any roommates...just me and one cat. i would spent saturday every weekend doing the bathroom and the kitchen and the vacuuming and then it was clean for another week. i would let the dishes pile for a couple days but then it was like 5 or 10 min to catch up. i used to actually eat my leftovers regularly...would make too much on purpose specifically so i wouldn't have to cook for a couple days after and would actually eat it all before it rotted. and i would crank my tunes up after a good hard clean, when i was feeling good already about all the stuff i got cleaned and would sit on my balcony and write in my journal and listen to music and just feel good about life because life was good.

and i'd get those butterflies in my stomach from the pure joy of it.

nowadays i can't remember the last time i had butterflies because there's just so much stress and too much going on to stop and enjoy life. i hate that. i am wracking my brains to try to find a way to bring those moments of joy back. and to share them with my kids and husband. that's why i took them to the park today. it was nice. it really was! and i will continue to do that and do that more...because this is insane how much stress i'm under every day! and i'm not even really doing all my online biz stuff much these days! and its not babyfest time! its just daily mommy stuff! its enough to put me over the edge!

but i will persevere because i am a fighter and i am an optimist and i am a joyful person....dammitt! well i will be again. i'm determined. i will find that again...and i will share it with my kids....actually i should probably just let them share it with me because they are the ones that know it so much better than i these days....i just have to let them show me.

*sigh* baby is fighting for computer time now. yes my 2yr old loves to play on the computer. and he does it well! LOL! pbskids.org and noggin.com are his regular play places! LOL!

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