Monday, November 19, 2007

on this day in 1995

i thought it would be neat to dig out some of my old journals (i've been a journal writer for YEARS and have BOXES of filled journals) and find entries from this exact day of the year in past journals...

so i found an entry for 11/19/95...a little background history on where i was at at that point in my life:

i was living by myself in a one-bedroom apt in sacramento, teaching preschool fulltime (head teacher of the afternoon program at harmony day school) and spending a lot of time dating losers and even more time alone reading books and trying to figure out my life. not a huge social life at that time, but i was actually pretty happy with the way things were for the most part. although i was desperately seeking a real relationship instead of a purely sexual one.

at the writing of this entry my mom was still dealing with breast cancer. i believe she had finished chemo but i'm not positive on that. this entry was just before going on a vacation with my dad and mom to palm springs and i recall that trip being pretty stressful for me because of the health of my mom and i had a ton of migraines during the trip.

so on this day in 1995 (a sunday, at 9:28am) here's some of what i wrote:

"just finished writing my christmas list. i'm asking for alot of stuff for decor. i really wanna fix up my apartment.
i put away alot of clutter yesterday, but i didn't do any cleaning yet. so, today is my major cleaning day. i'm determined to REALLY CLEAN! right now i'm slistening to my new CDs. i bought yesterday a bunch of used CDs. and one new one--"friends" sndtrk. they're all very good. i got--amy grant (heart in motion), jack wagner (new one), bobby mcferrin, frente!, melrose place sndtrk, midge ure. pretty cool!....
...today, my first focus is to clean and organize! ...well, i should probably goet moving and get this day started! i'm pumped to do alot!i just need to go hop in the shower first. bye bye!"

LOL! well, that was probably the last time i actually had so much time to clean and organize, LOL! this was PRECHILDREN, of course, LOL!

it got me curious about whatever else was happening around that entry. reading back a couple days, apparently i was in the middle of this thing with these guys i was involved with. one that was a dear friend that totally ditched out on me when i told him my mom had cancer. he was supposed to come be with me and spend the day with me and i even called to tell him that i was desperately waiting for him to come because i had just found out my mom had cancer and i could really use a friend to just be with me. he never showed, never called and i never heard from him again. this was someone i considered my best friend! i was devastated so at the time of that entry above, i was still smack in the middle of shock over that. (incidentally i reeled over that whole betrayal for years and was still hurting over it when i met adam and finally got up the nerve to call michael, the loser friend, years later and talked to him about it and he apologized but frankly, i don't buy it. he's a loser. i just finally got closure on the whole thing by finally talking to him and telling him how he hurt me).

anyway i also apparently was in the middle of ditching this guy nick i was dating that i was starting to have serious feelings for because he was going back to his ex-girlfriend and i decided i didn't want to share him. that was hard too cuz i was really getting some serious feelings for him and could have seen a future with him. oh well, it was probably best anyway cuz he was my ex-boyfriend's (todd, who i blogged about here and here) best friend. lol ya, it was a really bizarre situation...

in fact, actually, i was involved with all 3 of the guys....nick, mike and todd...all of whom lived together in this house, all of whom were friends, all of whom i dated, with some overlap even. did i mention i was a little crazy back in the day? LOL! i never was really super wild, but those were my wildest years...well i was in the tail end of that when i wrote that entry.

well this has been a fun trip down memory lane. wonder what all those guys are up to now? i know that nick married the ex-girlfriend and they had children together...i know todd married the chick he hooked up with right after we broke up (and actually i always figured he probably cheated on me with her too, but i don't know that for a fact)...mike, i don't know what happened to him. the last time i saw him he has super long hair and adam and i, right in the very beginning of our relationship took a trip up to sacramento for some reason and looked him up and he spent our visit trying to impress us with his singing and guitar playing. i think he was really uncomfortable. at one point he had feelings for me and i was sorta on the verge of that for him, but definitely had deep deep friend feelings for him, as my best friend for a few years...and there was peace between us over the thing with my mom but i think it just was never really fully made right and i never bothered keeping in touch after that. no idea where he is or what he's doing now. and his name is michael martin so not like i can google for him with a common name like that! i know he graduated high school in a town called escalon, but that's about all i have to go on looking him up. sometimes i do wish i could find him though...not sure why but i tend to hold onto friends forever and its hard to let go. even when they hurt me. and i think i can safely say that the way he hurt me was the deepest and darkest betrayal i've ever experienced and it still shocks me to think about.

anyway, back to 2007...

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