Wednesday, November 19, 2008

random reminiscings

i've been finding a ton of old friends on facebook lately...my friends list is getting really big! and the vast majority of them are people i have known in real life! this is making me do a lot of reminiscing. which isn't hard, because i have a tendency to go down that road quite easily and regularly, LOL! i'm not sure exactly why that is...and why i tend to really enjoy looking up old friend and reconnecting with old boyfriends and friends and such. perhaps it has something to do with how much moving around we did (every 2-3yrs my entire life until high school). i had a ton of groups of friends in places all over the world! but whatever the reason...i'm now starting to go through old journals and see what i wrote about some of these past experiences...finding some interesting stuff...a lot i really didn't remember or still don't remember! i'll put the original entries in italic, and my commentary in bold...

here's an entry from when i was getting ready to move to california from NJ:

6/21/90
Someday in the future I'm gonna look back and read thru all my jouranls and say what weird things I write about! I wonder alot what my future's gonna be like. Who am I gonna marry? What will my kids look like? Will any of my friends now still be part of my life? I hope so. Will I ever get a sex life? ....

LOL!! too funny! i always did obsess over sex...mostly when i wasn't getting any...but even when i was. LOL! kinda embarassing to be "that girl" who was always talking about sex. ah well. everyone has a past. :)

then the next entry...wow, big jump:

10/1/90
I'm very happy here in Cali, but, as always there are complications. I've finally found a guy that I really like and who appears to like me--but he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know if he wants a relationship. (THIS WAS A GUY NAMED MARTY, THAT I BRIEFLY DATED IN THE DORMS AT SAC STATE) ...

then 10/3/90
I feel pretty good about Marty and me right now. He called me his "woman" twice last nite. (I TOTALLY DO NOT REMEMBER THIS!) I think he might have been just kidding around, tho. I'm trying to convince him to be an Egyptian with me for Halloween. So far he won't go for it. But I'm gonna keep working on him! He would look so cool! HOT!! I can't wait til Halloween!! I'm gonna be Cleopatra again, but better! I wanna look so sexy!

and then...after all that talk of Marty (I left a lot out...didn't want to bore you)

11/9/90
Marty's been history for a couple weeks now. He wasn't ready for me. It was upsetting but I had to let him go. I'm glad I did, tho, cuz now I have Todd!!


this is soooo funny as i'm reading this...i didn't remember the transition being that fast, LOL! i was really amused reading the stuff about halloween because i TOTALLY remember that halloween. i ended up being a cross between mrs munster and elvira. i was all sexy down to the lingerie...it was a really big deal...it was my first, um, "night" with todd, so it is a memory i won't probably ever lose. we started dating right after that last entry about marty, as i recall...i gave marty an ultimatum...relationship or i was moving on. he passed. :) then i had todd waiting, so it was not really a big deal to me that marty didn't work out. i wish i had written more about the transition...about the flirting and how todd and i progressed to actually dating...but oh well...i guess i didn't write much back then...there's big gaps in my entries.

i'll skip all the, er, inappropriate entries (i was always very candid in my journals about my escapades)...not really appropriate for me to share, especially now that i'm a married woman and my mother-in-law sometimes reads my blog! LOL! but here's some more, from later in that same 11/9/90 entry:

Todd's so good to me! He makes me SO happy! I finally have a boyfriend who makes me happy! I deserve this, GODDAMNIT! I'm glad Marty didn't work out, he didn't make me happy. Actually he made me pretty miserable. But I lucked out in the long run. God! Todd's SO wonderfull! How did I get so lucky? He's always telling me how much he likes me. And he always makes me feel wanted and special. He pays so much attention to me! It's great!! I love it!


this is all really interesting to read...but apparently during my good times with todd, i really didn't write much of anything...unless i haven't found that journal yet, which is possible. i always did sort of jump around and if i couldn't find one journal i'd start writing on notebook paper or something. its very addictive, writing your feelings in journals...so i often would feel this powerful compulsion to write, even if i couldn't find my journal. but then i usually only really felt very compelled to write if there were extremes in my life...extreme downs and extreme ups. nowadays i write more than that, but back then, i had years that i didn't even document anything once. at least i have what i have, though, i suppose.

anyway, i ended up browsing through a ton of journals, looking for the next part of the story (i don't have them in chronological order and there's a ton of them.) but then the next thing i found was when it started going downhill with todd. apparently it happened pretty fast...well the ups and downs started pretty early...but i was with him for about 2 and a half years total and while i know there were some extreme downs, i prefer to remember the ups at this point in my life. so i had to put down the journals for now because it was getting really sad reading all the emotional drama in my life. man i was a wreck. i mean wow. makes me realize that i am pretty level on an emotional level now in comparison. i mean i sure do have my times of being down now but its very different. i don't feel depressed like that anymore. and skimming page after page after page (journal after journal after journal) of how hurt i was and how depressed i was...i can honestly say that i don't feel that to that level ever anymore. that's nice to realize. my downs are more just being frustrated with how things are going with my kids...feeling like a bad mom or a bad wife. no longer am i putting the fault on someone else...or really, the power in someone else's hands. i tend to stress more about getting my son to sleep at night, but not whether anyone loves me! :) nice to finally be able to say that.

anyway...i think i've reminisced enough for one day. :)

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