Tuesday, February 20, 2007

in a good place for a change

ok nothing really major has happened...i just feel like i'm in a good place right now so i thought i should write during this feeling because it seems like all i ever find time to write about is the bad times.

just got back from grocery shopping with the kiddlets...lemme tell ya, that is no fun thing, but we managed...baby was running on about a 30min nap so he didn't last the whole time but i managed to do some silly things with him to keep him going and we managed. man am i glad we're back now, though, and i just finally got all the groceries put away and the kids are watching the muppet show (we found the old show on netflix! woohoo!!) so i have a moment to relax and enjoy this feeling of things going good.

i think its the weather. every year when the weather warms up i get this feeling i think. its like a thawing out of my life or something, lol. the air is warmish but not hot yet (thank god!), the sky is sunny, there's just a different feel to everything. makes me feel happy in my bones. weather has a really strong impact on me.

i remember when we lived in new jersey that i loved to drive around in the spring or summer rain because of the feeling it gave me. i can still remember one evening in particular...funny that to this day it still stands out in mind...particularly since it was far from the only incident of this happening...but i can remember that joyous feeling in the pit of my stomach...of the warm jersey rain (it rains all summer there), driving around lakewood, nj, near my home in jackson...driving in my 64 vw beetle, with my windows rolled all the way down... just revelling in the smell...wet pavement and fresh rain and earthy goodness...everything is so green there year round because of all that rain...and i remember in particular that i was at a big intersection with gas stations on about every corner and i just felt this excitement from all my senses and i remember the electric lights reflecting off the wet pavement. and all the cars around me...some stopped, some going...just the electricity of the air right there at that intersection with all the sights, sounds and smells....it was just delicious and i knew how i would always remember that moment and i always have!

that has stuck in my memory all these years...that was, oh gosh, 1989? 18 years ago or so? wow. i have really vivid memories of moments like that. i used to have them alot.

i also remember that same sort of feeling in the spring in sacramento when i lived by myself in a 1 bedroom apt. on a warm spring saturday...so many of them...i would open all my windows and let sunshine and fresh air in (much fresher air there in sac with the river...although i know the air is still not great there, its better than fresno i'm sure)....and i would crank up some cds...most often it would be "kenny loggins live from the redwoods" god i love that cd to this day!! and i would crank it up loud and clean my apt top to bottom. not a hard thing to do. i didn't own much back then. i was good at keeping it all clean. i even did deep cleaning regularly. not hard with just one person.

i lived on the 2nd floor so when i was done cleaning i would bring an ice tea and my journal out to the balcony... it was a great balcony...not a wall where you can't see anything, it was metal bars, so i could sit on the balcony, if i chose (and i often did) and put my legs over the side and swing them in the air and watch people go by...most people said hi when they saw me. it was a very nice apt. lincoln place apts in sacramento...very nice place to live. just a block behind where i worked. very cool.

anyway i'd sit there on the floor of the balcony and watch people and traffic and write in my journal and listen to my tunes and revel in teh beauty of the moment and just feel this tickly butterfly joy in my belly. i really had those moments a lot back then. it wasn't hard. i thought my life was overwhelming back then but it really wasn't. i could detach myself from the stress and still experience the joy, back then. nowadays i seem to have lost that ability.

i can't remember the last time i really felt those butterfly tickle moments...i know they still happen, but just not as intense as back then. but i will get them back again...i WILL! i am halfway there today. i was very close to that feeling when i started writing this...and i'm glad that i took the moment to think about this and reminisce. it makes me realize what i want for my life. and it makes me realize what i especially want for my children. those wonderful, magnificent moments of joy.

you know what just occurred to me? i bet the reason i was so much better at finding those moments of joy back then was because i was essentially still a child back then...i wasn't out of touch with that awe and wonder of the world. i bet that was it. i was an adult, but still very much more a child, having only very recently left that world. it was a good place to be. not that now is a bad place to be. its not, by any means. i have been wanting with all my heart and soul to be where i'm at now since long before i lived away from my parents.

its weird...i guess we're just never truly happy with what we have. at least not me. i need to work on that. because back then during those wonderfully simple joyful moments....i was so gut-wrenchingly lonely. not during those moments of course. but i just so wanted a partner for my life. i hated not having one. and now i have one and i'm remembering those other times in my life when i didn't have him and how much simpler it was. but yet...i still do NOT wish to go back...no way. because i also remember how sad it feels to not have that special someone. i am definitely with the person i want to be with. he's truly a wonderful guy...great daddy too! so please don't anyone reading this get me wrong...i'm just thinking out loud about oh so many things and sorting through emotions that i've been out of touch with for awhile because i'm so completely absorbed with stress and not having enough time to do anything properly.

so where do i go from here? hm. well here's a thought...find ways to bring back those exquisitely joyful moments...bring them into my current life and share them with my children and my husband. there's the ticket! gonna make a mental note of that and see what i can do to make that happen.

its a good day. *big, genuine smile*

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