Sunday, February 18, 2007

seriously nauseous

ok this is really weird but really bugging me. adam is digitizing our old movies (from video to dvd) and we were just watching pre-maeven footage...34 wks pg with maeven, at my baby shower. i am having a really hard time with watching this. i wasn't interested at all in watching, and after watching a little...its hard to put into words how it's making me feel.

its almost nauseating.

god i can't believe i've come to this...but after all 3 of my pregnancy birthing experiences...none of which were 100% wonderful...i seriously have a really REALLY hard time even thinking about pregnancy and birth and especially looking at images of me while i was in the middle of it.

its this all powerful sick feeling...i guess it could be fear? not sure why it would be...maybe because i'm scared i will have to go through it again? i'm so dead set against getting pg again because i just don't want to have to deal with any of that again. it would mean having to decide where to have the baby, how, and having to deal with all the complications again of all that...not something i ever want to rehash. then there's going through infancy again. no thankyou. i've done my time with my 2.

don't get me wrong...i love my babies! but i'm ready to have older kids only now. looking forward to tyren not being SO much work...i'm just tired. so very tired. and how pathetic is that when i only have 2? well i choose to only have 2. no more. but of course if it accidentally happened, i wouldn't hate the baby! i would make the best of the situation and grow to love the idea as much as i did with the others. but i seriously hope i don't ever have to deal with that. hopefully we can get adam snipped pretty quick here and hopefully it will work for us and not be one of those that get pg after vasectomy, yikes!

ugh, i just seriously feel ill right now after watching that video. i wish i could understand it more fully. i can't stand to think about pregnancy or birth anymore. i don't even care to talk to friends about it. reminiscing (i'll do it when everyone else is but i'd rather change the subject) and reliving the moments...no thank you.

and when friends get pg...hard for me to deal with because it seems that that's all that is ever talked about around pregnant women...pregnancy, birth and babies. this is really so foreign to me feeling this way! i don't think anyone was surprised about me feeling this way after losing baelin...but after gaining tyren...i'm not exactly sure why its such an overpowering feeling now, when that story ended happily. there is perhaps some more digging to do to get to the root of this. hm.

i don't like reliving any of my births. i really don't. i just was thinking yesterday about how i have never watched baelin's birth/death tape. wondered to myself if i would ever be able to watch it. part of me wants to. but part of me is scared shitless of the emotions it will bring up. i've been thinking more of baelin lately. looking at how sad i've let his garden grow and wondering how i'm going to get out there and work on it without tyren running into the street. wondering what to do in his memory this year. this year he would have been 3! oh man that hurts my heart.

i suppose all this is tied irrevocably to baelin. my birth with tyren turned out the way it did...another c-section...because of our experience with baelin. it was truly a happy c-section...i was just glad to get my baby into my arms as fast as they were able to with that birth...so glad to finally have what i hadn't had from the previous 2 births. and yet there was still this cloud of sadness over not being able to bring him into the world naturally. not having one single, living birth that was natural. the only natural birth i had was to a baby that died as he was born. how sad is that? its very sad. it really is. i don't think i'll ever get over it.

and i just don't want to ever go through any of that ever again. if i got pg again i would have to make decisions on a new birth...after 2 c-sections...i would seriously consider another homebirth...as odd as that sounds...because that to me, at this point in my emotions, sounds less scary to me than a THIRD c-section...something which is considerably more risky. so i prefer to just not go there. just not have to deal with the issue at all. i know that decision would be something that would freak everyone out...but i feel like if i had to make it i would not really want anyone involved in it...perhaps not even my husband...not that i would be able to do that...but just saying how i feel right now...just me and jacque probably. with the phone right there by us to call 9-1-1 should it be needed. i know that wouldn't sit well with anyone. part of me wants to have that one last chance to do it "right". but not a big enough part of me. a bigger part of me just wants to never EVER have to deal with pregnancy and birth and all the insane complicatedness of it (for me) EVER again!

ugh, what a sickening feeling to think that i could be stuck in that situation again if adam and i aren't careful. bleh.

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