Wednesday, October 10, 2007

oh THANK GOD!!!

af (that's "aunt flo" to the uninitiated, LOL! that's an online forum term) arrived this morning!! we're NOT preggers! i can't tell you HOW FRIGGIN RELIEVED I AM!!!

this is the scaredest i've been. i've had other pg scares before...but with all the peeing...which, by the way, has slowed down...i guess i just was drinking alot for awhile there. dunno *shrug*. but anyway it was pretty nerve-wracking.

just really shows me how done i really am. there was NO excitement. i was trying to not freak out too much because i realized that it would just make matters worse if i really was pg. and i didn't want my possible future child to start the world out with mommy full of disappointment and negative feelings towards him/her. so i was trying to stay calm (not succeeding real well, but trying)...but i kept going over and over in my head all the stuff i did NOT want to experience ever again....pregnancy and all the aches and pains and discomfort and tiredness and how hard it is to parent other kids when you're that uncomfortable and tired and sleepy....(oh and how it would affect my relationship with tyren, being the "baby", which we call him all the time and he calls himself...and knowing that he would have a REAL hard time adjusting to not being the baby anymore and where our nursing and cosleeping relationship would go) oh the hip pain, ay yi yi!!! don't want that ever again! and then what in the HELL would we do for birth? after all the complications we've had in all our births in the past...i would NOT want another c-section (would be my third), but i don't think there's an OB here in town that will do a vbac after TWO c's. and so i would probably lean towards another homebirth but possibly just not make the decision til its too late to change our mind...and maybe finally heal all the hurt i still feel after all our really sad birth experiences (that's the only real positive i could find in this possibility, other than another beautiful child but knowing i really am not doing all that great with 2...i think i'd have a nervous breakdown if i had another)...

then the reality of 3 kids. i am so stressed daily with all i have to do with these 2. i don't feel i'm doing all that great, i really don't...although maybe someone not me might say differently, but i really am not living up to my own expectations with things NOW...if i had 3 i think i'd just be a basketcase. well hell, i already am one! i just don't have enough patience for 3. and it would mean a lot more of a delay til i am able to have all older kids that are less dependent on me. something i'm really looking forward to...my kids being older and me not having to jump every 2minutes to do something for one of them. mostly tyren at this point but maeven is pretty danged demanding too...working on that...

anyway it just freaked me out cuz i really don't enjoy the toddler years with how friggin chaotic and stressful it is...and how i cannot keep up with everything i really need to do...my house is always a wreck and there's really no way for me to make it otherwise because i seriously spend as much time as i can on it now and its not a lot of help. perhaps i could spend less time online (i'm not on a lot except when the kids are sleeping these days...they fight me for the computer during waking hours) but then i think that would just be the straw that broke the camels back. the computer is my coping mechanism. if i couldn't use it i would lose it even more than i already do. i destress when i work on my websites and egroups and other projects. i need it.

so anyway...if i had 3...ugh...it would just be way too much for me for soooooooooo many reasons.

and maybe i'd find a way to make it work...and maybe i'd learn patience i don't have now...but honestly, i just don't want to have to go through it so this morning i am SOOOOOOOOOOOO RELIEVED!!

now i'm going to call and schedule adam to get snipped!!!!

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