Thursday, October 04, 2007

really really worried!

i may be worrying for nothing...but i'm really scared i may be pregnant again. ugh, i SOOOO don't want to be pg again nor do i want anymore kids! but adam and i aren't particularly careful sometimes...although we really don't want anymore kids, its just hard to always be careful...and last month i know of one instance where i was really kicking myself for us being stupid. *sigh*

the reason i am worried is because i've been peeing...a LOT...i don't normally get up in the middle of the night to pee but i've been getting up at least once, often twice! and yes, i do pee before i go to bed. now granted, i do drink a lot regularly...i've always got a drink it seems...but i don't think that's changed any recently...only how often i have been peeing. the only other thing i can think of is just silly, like a bladder tumor or something...but i don't have any idea about what that would be like...i'm thinking its a better bet that i might be pg. ugh, i hate even saying it!

the thing is...if i am, then i have to get used to the idea fast because i certainly don't want to send any negative energy to any child of mine...and i certainly will welcome any newcomer with the open arms that i welcomed all my others. that's only fair. but i seriously...SERIOUSLY don't want any more! the thought of having to go through pregnancy again freaks me OUT!! and birth...i have no idea what the hell i'd do! after 2 c-sections and one baby dying in a vbac in between those 2 births...not related, i know, but still scary...i don't know what decisions to make about another...i would probably want to go the natural route again...not having baelin's death so fresh on my mind i am not so freaked out about birth anymore...i'm more freaked out about having to deal with all the discomforts and LONG MONTHS of pregnancy while caring for 2 others...when i'm already super overwhelmed!! and then having to deal with a baby while having tyren, who really exhausts me already!!! *sigh*

let's all just cross our fingers that this is a false alarm. because so far the only thing that has tipped me off to any possible change is the peeing...so maybe i'm just aging and my bladder just cannot handle things so well anymore...that i could live with. not fun having to get up to pee all the time, but i can live with that MUCH easier than another pregnancy and child. *sigh* so sad to think i'm so friggin against it but i really am. hope i don't have to adjust everything in my life again.... *sigh* we REALLY have to get adam in to be fixed!!! he's willing to do it, just been dragging his feet. if we make it through this scare, i am so pushing him to get in there and get it DONE!

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